Three Years of Boiling

I hate to even think of the events that occurred.  Everyday wasn't bad, but those days that were, were hell, and even that description doesn't do the feelings justice.  To relieve the horrible anticipation or to help my own brain be able to cope, I think that is why the enabling started.  Though, as with the addiction seeping into our lives, the enabling does the same thing.  The lies are not to lie, but to buffer the situation.  I created lies, or 'modified the truth' to help me be able to cope.  I have a stressful job, starting over, money was tight, my only goodness was my children, and when that was starting to falter, too, I think I started to create a different life, if not in reality, in my mind.  To enforce that 'reality' I had to become a keen observer (so that I could sense when the situation was going toward the alcohol influence) a super sleuth (so that I could sniff out where the bottles were hidden), a verbal ninja (so that I could confront and either yell and scream or plead and pray),  and  a facade of calm (so that no one else would know or suspect the maddness that was occcuring in my personal life).  I was rebuilding myself to modify my reality so that I could cope.  But, that doesn't work.  As I understand and can see now, it only allows the demons of addiction to imbed themselves deeper into the situation, and blind the modifer to the extent that it becomes increasingly more difficult to make the change from what is really real, to the choreographed reality invented in the enabler's actions and lies.