I am trying to sort out my experiences and thoughts to better understand how to move forward and not stay stuck in the past.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I Picked You

I am still going through an inward transition. It is a slow process.  It  is a good thing.  While we still have good days and bad here, I no longer jump off that mental cliff of despair.  I don't even stand and look over the edge, anymore.  I have backed away and look up, more. There is an inner calm inside  that I have no way of explaining (that peace that surpasses all  understanding)  other than to say that  I have let go and let God.  While life is happening all around me, I find myself, inwardly, able to stand and observe without wrestling with those negative emotions. It feels so good.

It is freezing, cold here. So cold, that the pipes froze but didn't burst.  My dad needs heart valve surgery. Paperwork at work is always nipping at my heals. I'm trying to sort stuff out at home in an attempt to put my house up for sale.  My daughter is still struggling, though, I see in her more hope.  I should be stressed, but I'm not.  I know life will work out and I don't have to be at the helm plotting out everyone's destination and direction.  It feels so peaceful.

I was packing up some odds and ends to give to the thrift store and thought of a time when we lived down south.  My daughter was two.  One afternoon, I was folding clothes in the family room and she came toddling in and announced to me, out of nowhere and  with a big smile, "Mommy, when I was in heaven I looked down and picked you."  I opened my arms, with a tiny t-shirt still dangling from one of my hands, said, "Thank you!",  and she ran to me and we shared a big hug. Just as abruptly, she toddled out of the room and back to her playing.   I have remembered that scene in the past, but this time it kind of hit a new understanding.  Though she doesn't remember saying that to me now, I have thought about that moment frequently.  So what if there is something beyond our understanding?  What if she was in a place before she came to me where they could make a choice?  Whether there is or isn't, her announcement to me was kind of prophetic, especially with the struggle she has been working on overcoming. I used to wonder that maybe she picked me because of what the future held for her. Of what I could do for her.  Recently, I considered that maybe she picked me because of an understanding of the struggle I would be in.  This has been horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone--having a child or loved one experience an addiction. It's heart breaking. Having said that, I have grown so much. I am a different person at this moment than I was three years ago, and it is a person that I like.  I am calmer. More hopeful. More understanding. More patient. The list of what I am more of, in a good way, is long and continues to be added to.  I am grateful.

The future has been refreshed.