Back into the Pot

A month sober, and this morning I had that radar pop up.  Something didn't feel right.  I'm telling you, living with an addict heightens your awareness almost to the point of super-human abilities.  I noticed slight changes in her behaviors, not much this time, but very slight.  And that change in healthy routine.  When she drinks, she doesn't eat, and she didn't eat breakfast this morning, so my suspicion was that she drank last night.  So, I went searching and found a small bottle of vodka.  To her, that isn't much, just enough to relax.  She can drink a lot, and has withdrawals to the point of seeing and feeling things.  The last time the help line people came and I explained what happens to her, his eyes widened and said that she's halfway to a large seizure.  I am so sick to my stomach, now.  I can't understand this. She just bought herself a new car.  Needs to make payments on it, so she needs to keep working. She says she loves that car and I reminded her that a DUI would take that car away from her.  God forbid she hit someone or hurt herself.  I don't know what it will take.  Then I think, did my fear and dread cause this in some metaphysical or mystical way?  I keep reading how thoughts are so powerful.  I just don't know, anymore.  I'm starting my crazy thinking.  She is at work now and is insisting she did not drink, so how'd the bottle get there, when I know it wasn't there on Friday evening?  These are the times I wish I wouldn't wake up.