I am trying to sort out my experiences and thoughts to better understand how to move forward and not stay stuck in the past.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Still Thinking

I've been thinking about thinking.  I've been comparing how I used to think to how I think now.  Used to referring to life before my daughter fell down the rabbit hole.  She is climbing out, again and I'm grateful.  She stopped last Sunday (four days ago).  Again, out of nowhere, I went in to see if she was breathing and she looked at me.  I asked her if she was done, and she nodded her head.  "I don't like this," she whispered.  I sat down next to her, and laid my hand on her, "I don't like this, either."  So, we're back to soberity, and praying that it sets up shop in my daughter's mind, and decides to stay.
 
I could have sworn that last weekend was a weekend retreat  (not over night, but for three days a few hours at a time) at our church.  So, I leave Friday after I watched my friend's daughter.  (My friend's father passed away suddenly).  After she left, I cleaned up and got into the car and headed for church.  I was very sad that my daughter wasn't going with me, but I decided to keep the boundaries and push forward with me.  There were a few cars when I arrived.  I was curious why because this retreat they have usually draws a big crowd. I go in, small coffee in hand (it was a long day and I wanted to make sure my brain was clear).  There are tables and chairs set up, but no one is there. I looked at my watch. 7:05. Hmmm.  Finally, someone walks out of an office and I ask them if there is a retreat somewhere.  The raised eyebrows gave me the answer.  Gentle smile, "That's next weekend."  I smiled back.  "Oh, okay.  Thank you."  I walked away, tossing my coffee in the trash.

You would think I would have been embarrassed.  Well, not so much anymore.  That senerio has become more common than uncommon for me.  My thoughts are like a kaleidoscope of butterflies, free of the net that usually kept them secure and organized.  Though, I'll have really clear, organized days, a lot of the time I write down the wrong date and time, or forget completely.  Work is pretty focused and fairly organized (my focus energy is used up there), but outside of work...if I don't have a notebook with me at all times, to jot ideas, times and places down, well, what happened last weekend is pretty much a sure thing.  Ironically, I haven't missed anything.  Mostly, I'm early.  Usually, I'll call to verify.  A lot of the time I feel like one of those toy cars that drive and bump into a wall just to turn in another direction.  I don't like this.  But, I'm adapting.  Going to those meetings helps.  I go to work every day, so I need a schedule, but for some reason, knowing that Saturday meeting is out there waiting, gives me a focus point, and now I weave my week around that.  Usually, it works. 

Chalk it up to more resedue of being a boiled frog.  Even though the water is not boiling hot right now, the luke warm is still enough to keep my thinking murky.  I think maybe because fear is still connected to each and everything that I do and think about, it stunts my thinking and focus.  I used to be too mentally tired to do anything, so I didn't.  I'm changing, but that change requires me to make some changes.  Life is funny. 

So, trying to work on releasing the fear, my daughter and I are planning to attend the retreat this weekend, starting tonight from  7-9.   So, a blessing; she is sober, willing to try and we didn't miss a chance to experience something new and good, together.

6 comments:

  1. I hope the retreat is a sturdy steppingstone. I am thinking of you!

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  2. It was really good. I'm still processing it. Thank you!

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  3. I'm glad I'm not the only one with the bad memory and foggy (froggy) thoughts. I also do things to embarrass myself and just don't care. Certain things seem so unimportant these days.

    I hope both you and your daughter had a wonderful time at the retreat.

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  4. posted a link to your site ..well done !

    bill @ www.addictionjournal.net

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  5. Thank you, Bill. It's an amazing compliment.

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