Blown Away

I just don't understand.  First a blessing.  I can't tell you how nervous I was about this weekend.  I was scared that my daughter would back out at the last minute for whatever reason, fear mostly, I guess.  Anyway, she didn't.  It was truly a break through weekend for us.  So spiritually filling.  I'm still trying to take it all in; all that we learned and heard.  Like when you're hot and trying to gulp a cool drink, some of it spills down your neck, you're drinking it in so fast.  I'm trying to gather up every last drop.  My daughter and I had some good discussion and at the conclusion of the weekend, she was making plans to follow up on the readings we were given.  Ironically, her prayer partner was a woman who's son was struggling with a heroin addiction, and she was able to direct my daughter to this program called Celebrate Recovery.  My daughter said she might like to go.  My heart was fairly bursting with joy at the change.  I woke up at 5 this morning organized and clear headed, full of belief and hope.  I almost skipped out of the door to my car.

Then I came home from work.  I could tell the minute I came into the room.  She had been drinking, and I don't know why.  She asked me if we could talk, so I went upstairs and changed and came back down, and sat on the couch with her.  She wanted me to read the 'Day One' selection that she was given from the retreat to start this week with.  I did. It was about truth.   We talked, and she began to cry and then she quit making sense.  I suggested she go upstairs to lie down, and she did.  She is sleeping now.  The same routine.  The only difference is I'm not feeling that panic or rage.  I'm just calm.  Go figure. I stood at the back door, and felt the warmer than usual fall breeze, and watched the brown and yellow leaves swarm up and over the fence and with them went some of my joy and hope.

What to do.  I don't know.  I feel a little stunned, like someone knocked me in the head when I came through the door this afternoon.  When in doubt, just plod forward, again, I guess.  Staying calm and maybe going outside to rake up some lingering hope.