Emotions

Annette, Barbara, Dee...Thank you.  You've had me thinking, I mean really thinking, about life here, especially, 'Why don't I kick her out?'   It was a layered thought process, trying to peel back all of the emotions.  Emotions are interesting to me, so many can tumble around in a few seconds, and you can feel each one.  It's sorting them out that is the challenge. 

Fear--probably the emotion that is neck in neck with love right now.  Fear of what might happen to her.  I know from talking to her how sad and regretful she is about mistakes that she's made.  So, we talk and each time my thinking is getting clearer, so that I focus on zeroing her in on what she says.  Kind of like making her see the absurdity of what she's saying.  I don't have specific times and dates of discussions, but just recently when she makes a comment and I can take her down the direct path of, "That was caused by her choice to drink,"  and not some bunny trail that she uses as an excuse, she has been able to see that point and then we discuss.  Granted, the discussions end in crying on her part (those emotions coming up) but I think that is a good thing.  Back to the fear on my part.  I am afraid that if something worse would happen to her (rape, more abuse) then it would be over for her.  Her sadness and hopelessness would be too much for her.  And I know I couldn't forgive myself for that.

Hope--I am so hopeful that she will get over this and be able to move on with her life.  I have been ready for her to be out on her own.  She has always had a job.  Always helped me both financially and with the  around the house stuff.  She was always in school until now.  She still helps out financially, and with everything else, when she's not drinking.  She goes about life, and then wham, some memory bump throws her off the road, and instead of backing up and continuing the drive, she stays stuck on the side for a week, and then decides to start, again.  I am hoping that with each talk and restart, she will finally see things clearer.  She says it is a choice, she knows it is wrong, she is resentful that she has this addiction problem, she knows it all, except how to deal with her emotions. That's what we work on, here.

Sad--She is alone, and that makes me sad.  I watched as her friends slowly stopped calling and stopping over.  As she slowly stopped going out with them because she felt different not drinking while that's all they do when they go out. Drinks at dinner.  Drinks at the clubs. Drinks at their homes. Drinks when they went skiing. She has to find a new set of friends, and that scares her because she feels she is shy (yes, she is but not overly), and so I feel that I am here to center and encourage her until she gets the courage to move on with that search.

Love--That's the biggest.  One of my favorite verses is 1 Cor. 13:4  The definition of Love.  Love is patient, kind, doesn't judge...Love is patient.  My walk with God used to be like a football game.  I'd run a couple of yards, feel good about the gains, and then bam, I'd be tackled and pushed back and argue with God like he was the ref.  I could never get a touch down.  I blamed it on bad calls.  Though we have been through hell here, and this summer was by far the worst of it, even when I'm tackled, now, I don't go screaming at the ref. I have picked myself up, and looked to the side at God the coach not God the ref. (Touchdown!)  I think that is the peace.  I have to say that this is one of the few things that seems to have happened over night, though I know it has taken four long years.  (Though, it feels over night.)  It feels good.  I believe in God, and if this journey has helped me get closer and now my daughter is beginning to fight her way to Him, then I can't be too resentful.  I have to believe that it is going to work for good, and regardless what happens, we'll be given the 'tools' we need to handle it.  The most important relationship is that one with God, and family next.  So, I'm working on my Love, because unconditional love has been so hard for me to practice, but very easy to say.

There is a woman in my AA group that tells these crazy stories of all of the things she did when her husband was drinking.  She commented that her driving record was horrible, and she never drove.  What would happen is that her husband would be driving drunk on his way home and crash the car.  He would call her and tell her to hurry up and get over to where he was so that she could take the blame for the crash. She said the police would come, ask her how it happened, she said she didn't know (not a lie) and that was that.  She didn't kick him out because he worked, and she needed to support their children. He wasn't mean, but it was a burden that she was willing to carry because she wasn't ready.  But, she said that when her children drank, she told them not in the house or they were out.  She was ready for them because she had mental practice with her husband. 

After sorting out all of this, the conclusion is I'm not ready, nor, in all honesty,  do I know if I ever will be.  There are boundaries here, that she does follow.  What I've learned from AA is that they will drink or not drink at their choosing, at home or away.  I know she is as safe as it gets, here.  I don't want someone coming to my door telling me they've found her.  I don't want her in an unfamiliar place, alone with her thoughts tormenting her.  I want to be an intersessor for her.  Pray over her. Talk with her. Support her in her good choices, not enable her in her bad. When she drinks, I rarely interact with her, for several reasons; it makes me sick to see her like that, I don't want to argue, I don't want to show support for that.   She makes the choices, and when she's ready to get back in the car and drive, I'm there ready to step back into her life, and hand her the map. 

You are all in my prayers and I am thankful for your courage.