What If

I have a reoccurring 'what if' scenario concerning my daughter, her addiction and my role as an enabler.  First, let me say that I have come a long way from my days of denial.  I'm pretty clear on the situation here.  I'm not in denial any longer.  Of course, that doesn't mean I'm happy about the situation or that sadness and regret are constant companions or that I accept the situation, I'm just resigned to the situation. 

During this, though, I do think about the 'what if's'.  One 'what if' I think about is, 'What if I hadn't interfered?  What I mean is, would things be different with her recovery if I hadn't dumped out alcohol, had those knock down fights.  When she was drunk at school, rather than run and get her, let someone else find her.  Would she have gone to jail?  Been kicked out of school instead of graduating? I think of all of the bad things I helped her to avoid.  Could she have also avoided meeting people who could have helped her?  Would she have hit a bottom so low that she would never recover or would she have hit a bottom that would cause her to recover?  So many emotions and fears. So many questions.

Then I think about times when people are drinking and you shut them off or take their car keys so that they can't drive.  I've done that (taken her car keys) to avoid her hurting herself or someone else.  Heck, I've done that with friends in the past. Is that interfering or averting a potential tragedy?  Telling the difference has become difficult.  It all starts to blur together.  I get sick of thinking about it sometimes, but because it never leaves, I can't help but think about it.

Because of how she's been treated in emergency rooms in the past (some of those doctors can be very condescending) she refuses to ever go back to a hospital.  That means no medications, so I have been relying on vitamins, minerals and food as medicine.  I have researched a lot of information on the brain and how it functions.  What alcohol takes away from the body.What if I just let it go?  What if I didn't help her like that?   I am always afraid that, during one of her drinking spells, she will have a seizure, lose her mind or I don't even know, more what ifs? So many horrible scenarios have auditioned in my mind as very viable outcomes.  I do try not to think about them.  Also, as I've written before, I have been able to talk with her about her situation.  Though she still gets mad or defensive about certain topics, I do think there has been progress. 

And then there's prayer and God.  Can't God work in any situation?  Do you really have to be in the worst situation for God to make an entrance?  Does He only show up when when you're at your lowest?  My impatience with 'God's time' vs. our time causes a lot of frustration.  What if He's through with us?

So, that's what I think about.  Sometimes.  More times than I really want to. Pretty much everyday.