Confession

Everyone I know is overly stressed.  Like the fall scents that start drifting through the air this time of year--smoke from some distant fireplace, cooler air, turning leaves (yes, there is a fragrance to them), the ripe apples in the tree next door--there is a 'scent' of stress, here, too.  Teaching isn't what it used to be even 5 years ago.  The amount of assessments, paperwork and progress monitoring that has to be done, in addition to the state tests and pressure to have all students be 'proficent' by 2014 (think about it...really?) it takes away from the actual teaching.  I love teaching. I love watching the students learn and interact.  I enjoy hearing their conversations and perceptions.  A child's view can help keep your view fresh.  State mandates zap that joy right out of the classroom. 

There is stress at home, of course.  No state mandates there, but the joy has been zapped.  I don't know why, but I started thinking about all of the things I've done to reach my daughter and help release her from the grips of this addiction. At the time I decide to do these things, I am completely hopeful and totally committed to the idea.  Look, if you believe in God then you have to believe everything that goes with it. For one, I believe that we are in a spiritual battle--all of the time.  The bible is full of amazing, mystical events.  A donkey that talks, walking on water, raising the dead.  God used words to create the world.  Words must be very powerful. Thinking is powerful.  Believing, faith, all of it carries a lot of good energy.  So, why not apply it?  (This may show how much my brain was pushed to the edge as a result of living with addiction, but as I said, at the time it made perfect sense).  Don't laugh.  And please don't think I'm crazy, though, maybe that is part of the effects of this maddening disease--you get a little crazy with your thinking.  Okay here are some of the things I've done.  Sometimes on Saturday mornings, my friend and I go shopping and there is this church who's doors are always open.  There are candles to light.  I've lit enough candles to light a small city.  In that same church, you can buy (for a donation) little bottles of Holy Water.  I bought some once, and would pour little drops in my daughters tea, juice, water, whatever it was she was drinking...and she didn't know.  I snuck it.  I did it when she wasn't looking. On one of those occasions (actually, it was the first time I did it) she ended up having to go to the emergency room. The doctor asked me if there was anything different that she may have taken.  I felt stupid, but thought I should fess up, and told him I put some holy water in her drink.  After an uncomfortably long silence and him studying me to see if I my head was going to spin in a circle, he said, "Yeah, well, um...I don't think that would be it." ( Darn, I should have kept my mouth shut).   I found several prayers on line from healing to freeing from addiction, to protection and good health.  Some were in Hebrew, some English, some Rune symbols.  I printed them out, rolled them up and tied them around the metal headboard of her bed with green ribbons.   I periodically tape protection and healing symbols on her bedroom door.  I change them out like you change holiday wreaths.  I submit her name to prayer groups--all kinds. I bought her a healing bracelet from Nepal.  One time, I used a Wiccan (I'm not Wiccan) spell thing where you write the person's name on paper with the 'desire' and throw it into a stream or river, I threw it in the creek down the street.  This is what I do when desperation picks me up for a ride.  I've never admitted this to anyone, but I was thinking today that maybe it's not good to keep it bottled up.  Confession is good for the soul, right?

So, that is what I was thinking today with stress levels rising and rationality starting to waiver, and my beautiful, lost daughter reconnecting with her demons.