There is a lot of residue thinking from this experience with addiction. Two that seem to be big on the list for me is worry and finding my thinking to be less focused.
I was sitting on the couch last night, not really (or so I thought) thinking about anything. I was watching the news but not really paying attention. I saw the screen, the commentators, but wasn't really listening. As if pulled out of a fog, I finally realized that I had been thinking about something. I was sitting there worried about this grocery store that was go to being changed over to another type of store. Though the change hasn't even begun, and they've been talking about it for two years, I still sat there and worried. I don't even know how that conversation at work started, but again, during bus duty, we were talking and someone said that the store I go to (and they like, too) was going to be changed. Their version of a Whole Foods store (which I happen to love, but it is more expensive). I was sad when I heard that because I just like how this store 'feels', the people who work there, the way it is laid out, what they offer. So, last night, once I started noticing what I was thinking, I was worried about this store changing. Really? I live equidistant between the same two stores. Both about three miles in opposite directions. It's not a big deal, but there I was fretting about it. When I realized what I was doing, it occured to me that I have been doing that, a lot. Worrying about everything. Big issues and little issues get the same worry time. I think my worrying for my daughter has broken some 'worry boundary' so that I don't filter what is 'worry worthy' and what isn't. I just worry. If it's a good day, I look for things I probably should be worrying about. As usual it's not noticable by my outward behavior, yet, but it's happening on the inside just the same. It's terrible and time consuming. I think all of this worrying is the cause of my next problem.
I don't focus like I should. There will be some days that I get to work, hoping I didn't go through any stop signs because I obviously remember the drive, but just the starting point and ending point. The actual drive is less memorable. Is my trip to work so embedded in my brain that I drive it not really applying it to memory? But it's not just that, I find that I feel at times there is so much information to think about, I don't focus on any one issue. It reminds me of the Christmas book I had growing up that went along with a record, Babes in Toyland. Mary (I remember her name!) was sitting at a desk trying to figure out her money situation and the illustration shows a bunch of numbers and symbols floating around her head. I feel like that a lot of the time. Like I'm wandering in the Forest of No Return, signs pointing in all directions, warnings of not to enter (though I did), twilight skies, and no clear way out.
I didn't used to be like this. I used to feel more clear in my head and more defined in my thinking. My experience with addiction has cracked my core, like a melt down of sorts, so that I'm not as contained as I used to be.
How do you patch those cracks? What is the mortar that will seal and hold? I have to stop worrying, I realize that. But how? How do I get that filter up and running, again?
I think as a society we all have so much on our minds we can barely think anymore. Not to mention all of the intrusions into our thinking space....texting, emails, Facebook notifications popping up on our phone, we can be reached at any given moment...add in an addicted child and its the perfect recipe for a distracted parent. I know that when I weigh out any potential worries with a child addicted to heroin.....nothing else holds much weight. My favorite saying is, "in the big picture this is nothing." In comparison to my sick girl....nothing really gets me going anymore. Stuck in traffic, running late, bad drivers on the road, the struggling economy...it will all work itself out. In comparison to my girl's journey, none of it really matters to me. I think her disease has helped me to put what's really important into perspective. I also think that what once came naturally to us, we now have to consciously work at preserving and nurturing within ourselves. We have to choose to slow down and nurture calm thoughts, focus....isn't this how meditation classes became so popular?!
ReplyDelete"...what once came naturally to us, we now have to consciously work at preserving and nurturing within ourselves." It all comes down to that, Annette. I never thought of it like that, but it's so true. You take for granted that it's always going to be like that, but it might not be. We're in our own kind of recovery. Wonderfully put into focus! Thanks :)
ReplyDelete