My daughter is working on being sober, again. I can't describe the relief and hope I feel inside when she decides to not drink. I am always praying that this is the time some miracle of thought happens or someone comes into her life to help guide her. What I really hope is that she is able to find the courage to dig through her memories, confront those that diminish how she feels about her self, toss those away, keep digging until she finds that inner mirror that reflects the true person she is (strong, determined, funny, smart, gentle and kind) that she recognizes that reflection and begins the journey back to rediscovering herself. (Please whisper a little prayer here to have that happen).
In the past (and the past isn't necessarily months or years, weeks will do here, too) I would try to bring up topics that I thought were the roots of her triggers, but when we got too close to the pain, she would shut down the conversation. "I don't want to talk about this..." is what she would sharply announce and the conversation would be over. Much to my frustration and fear. If you don't get to the root, that weed of sick thinking will continue to choke off the healthy thinking. So, I have a lot of talking points stored up in my mind just waiting to be let out. Sometimes, I think, that inner chattering about points I want to make or advice I want to give, all of that stored up valuable information is starting to take on a life of it's own. My own thoughts are starting to become convoluted and out of sync. I think they are also interfering with my daily thinking--so many of those thoughts are, at times, crowding out my own thinking that I think it contributes to that feeling of being overwhelmed. Anyway, it is beginning to be the source of a problem when my daughter decides to talk.
In the past few days, on two separate occasions, my daughter has brought up issues, without my prodding or insistence, that she wanted to talk about. Insights she is having or questions about the concerns of her drinking. I can't explain the joy and enthusiasm that is clicked on when she has started those conversations. I think I literally begin a small bouncing where I'm sitting. It's like a tremor deep inside, a tremor of relief and hope and joy all in one. Unfortunately, that tremor cracks open that part of my brain that his housing all of those unspoken thoughts and advice and pretty soon, as she's talking I start blurting out comments that at the time they were originally thought (some are years old) made sense but now, because they have been housed so long they are combining with other thoughts so, because I want to get everything out just in case this conversation gets shut down, I start making comments that are confusing and frustrating for her to hear, and I'm interrupting what she's trying to communicate and the result...an argument. Not at all what I ever want. Not what she was hoping for. Her ending comments have been, "You aren't even listening to what I'm trying to say. This is why I can't talk to you about this, you start talking about things that don't even have anything to do with what I'm saying!" And it's true.
As I sit there in silence, those final thoughts trudging back into their little cubicle in my brain, and try to sort through what just happened, I realize that I'm in such a panic to get all of this information out, information that I think is essential to her recovery, I fail to listen, and that spoils the whole moment.
The anxiety and urgency that I feel to get out all of my thoughts has caused me not to hear what she is saying. For her, I have become a non listener. Not a good thing. So, I have grown, again, by realizing this mutation of myself as a result of the addiction that has invaded our lives. I am a good listener, though not with her. I have to retrain my thinking to adjust to her timing. She will being to heal when she feels ready. In the meantime, I have to clean my mental house so that those old thoughts that really are no longer viable, are excused and a clean place is ready for new thinking so that I can listen better and truly hear what she is finally trying to say.
It sounds like she is in the process of self realization. As she talks its all beginning to come together and make sense to her. It will more than likely be a long process and not just through one or two conversations, as I'm sure you know.:o) It will, and this is purely my guess, be months and months of her talking things through.
ReplyDeleteTwo things entered my mind as I read what you wrote here today....one is that sometimes the best thing we can do is nothing. Sometimes what we think really doesn't matter. It is more important just for her to get everything OUT.
We go through a very similar process. We need to get all of our ideas, fears, and thoughts OUT, also....but it is almost never a good choice to do so with our child. Especially our addicted child who our thoughts and ideas are swirling all around. They have enough figuring out to do without us adding our thoughts to their already muddled conglomeration of things to work through.
Sometimes the greatest and most loving gift we can give is to listen quietly and let them process what is in their head and heart. What we have to say is probably not going to make the difference between life and death for our kids. Listening though....with no judgements, no advice, but instead quietly assuring them that we believe they will find their way, that they are capable...there is some power there.
Annette, you are so right. I think there is a lot of power in just listening. Thank you for your support!
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