Thinking

I was doing bus duty on Friday and four of us were outside with the buses.  As the buses were pulling away, one of the other teachers started talking about the hair cut she didn't like (It looked great).  But to her, she was insistent that one section didn't look right.  The three of us stood in front of her squinting and searching.  I know I didn't see anything wrong.  Finally, someone said, "I  don't see it."  We all chimed in with the same sentiment.  It looked good to us.  Then she started talking about the wrinkles around her eyes and the new cream she has been using in her attempt to try and erase them.  She's very pretty and the lines around her eyes are minimal, but they do show that she laughs and smiles during her day (is that really such a bad thing to hide from the rest of the world?)  Again, the three of us squinted and studied and almost in unison this time, "You look great."  But she couldn't see it. Kind of like in the, 'King's New Clothes,'  She was imagining everyone saw what she saw, which was somehow distorted and intensified in her mind--she was relying on what others see to validate what she feels about herself.  I think we have all done this at one time or another.  I know that pretty much my whole life I haven't been satisfied with how I look, until a few years later, I see an old photograph and realize I looked pretty good. The first thing I think of is all of that wasted time not liking how I looked.  Body Dysmorphic Disorder I think is what it's called.  When you see yourself as distorted in some way rather than how the rest of the world really sees you.  I don't understand how the eyes and brain get the information so mixed up, but it happens.  I imagine it would be a very freeing moment when your vision finally aligns with what everyone else is seeing. 

It made me think about addicts and recovery and the people around them waiting and watching.  Is some kind of dysmorphic disorder at play while we watch those we love, struggling with sobriety, but in reverse?  While we watch and stare and notice or wait for all of the signs and symptoms of being actively under the influence are those in the struggle, who are making attempts at being sober, victims of our skewed vision and thinking?  Are we the ones who are watching so intensely and wanting so desperately that our vision gets skewed and we don't see the small progresses working in the person with an addiction.  Are they the ones looking back at us trying to convince us that, 'Yes, I am trying...though maybe not in ways you can see or appreciate?'   Does our distorted vision of our expectations for the addict in our lives hinder the progress attempts?  Is this where the non-judgment comes in? Since we can never change them and they are in control of their choices, should their choice of one day sober be good enough for us?  Since a good support system is important to recovery, does a view prejudiced by fear and wanting, taint the support system?

I always want more, but I started thinking that while my daughter is sober, I'm always worried and watching for the signs of her drinking, again.  Even when I 'start to forget', there is always that little sesame seed of fear getting caught in my thinking.  I love my daughter.  Do I just appreciate what time she chooses to 'be here' and let the rest go...the worry, fear, anticipation?  I think, yes I should. I know it is hard to do, wanting a sober good life for her so badly is like having marionette strings attached to my actions.  Sometimes I do things, out of that wanting, that I wouldn't normally do.  Anyway, it was just something I was thinking about as I try to understand how this all works.