Who Am I?

This is the end of week three and I am finding comfort in this new position. This weaning back into society and life is a slow process, but it feels so healthy for both of us.  I will start back to work next week, though the students don't come until after Labor Day.  So, I can still talk with her during lunch breaks.  She is scheduled to work there until September 13th, but isn't sure she will.  I did tell her that she can respectfully resign, give her two weeks notice, if she feels it is impossible for her to continue there.  All days she really doesn't like it, but some days she seems to be able to tolerate it better.  In my heart, I am hoping that she can stick with it, though I won't be disappointed if she doesn't.  She has come a long way in a short time and I'm proud of her either way.

During that first week when I had difficulty leaving the house, I was lying on the couch watching Wayne Dyer speak on the public television station.  I have always enjoyed listening to him.  I think what he has to say is very helpful and true.  During his talk, he introduced a woman named Anita Moorjani.  She has written a book entitled, "Dying To Be Me."   The book recounts her journey from sickness, to coma, to near-death and the experience she had there, and then coming back.  She seemed so serene as she spoke.  I have not read the book, but her story seems miraculous.  Her message from her sister (I think it was her sister and father who met her in heaven), that it was not her time, though she could have chosen to stay.  But if she went back her job was to have the courage to be her--to live her life boldly as herself (I'm paraphrasing but that was the main message that she spoke of during that lecture).

I have been thinking of that 'command' for three weeks.  Though it sounds easy--live as you--it has been kind of hard for me.  What does that really mean?  I know what I like, I know my thoughts, I know what I don't like.  Those basics have been easy to understand.  What I've found difficult is to filter out all of the outside influences that have an effect on me.  My appearance, coming to terms that I'm no longer in the body of a 35 year old.  My joints are aching more and I am more than I want to weigh.  I found another white hair on my head yesterday.  The influences of a youth crazed society can play havoc on the confidence of any woman. Then there is the 'path' that society pretty much dictates that everyone at each age level should be on, regardless of obstacles that may arise.  Even babies are gaged by percentiles.  The anxiety of measuring yourself by the standard of others starts that young.

So, who am I?  I can easily say I'm a believer in God. I have a moral and ethical code that I live by. I try to learn from my mistakes, though admittedly it may take a few tries. I love animals. I love working with children. I am a good observer. Those are some of the clear and easy to claim cinder blocks of the foundation of who I am.  Who else am I?  I'm someone who likes to dance, though I rarely do.  I like interacting with people, though sometimes I don't say the comments (good or bad) that I would like to say but know I should.  I love connecting with nature, though life gets so busy that I don't always connect as often as I'd like.  There are times when I would just like to take my camera and drive, no specific destination, and take pictures when I see something I like, but I haven't done that in a long time.  I hold back, a lot.

Those are just some of the pieces of who I am.  As I was writing it, though, I realized that I was a lot more like me when I was younger than I am now.  It seems that the older I grew the less of me I brought along.  For most of my adult life, 'me. has been in storage.   This may take some time, finding and dusting off all of those pieces of who I am.

I'm not giving up.  That concept has given me a new perspective.  I seem to be more alert to that outside junk thinking that I used to just allow to flow into my thoughts.  I can honestly say that I didn't think I cared about what other people thought, but I guess, I really did.  Anyway, that is what I've been working on.  I am leaving you with a quote from Anita Moorjani:

"I detach myself from preconceived outcomes and trust that all is well. Being myself allows the wholeness of my unique magnificence to draw me in those directions most beneficial to me and all others.  This is really the only thing I have to do. And within that framework, everything that is truly mine comes into my life effortlessly, in the most magical and unexpected ways imaginable, demonstrating every day the power and love of who I truly am."