PTSD?

Our life here continues to be good, one day at a time.  I really do try not to look any further.  Not out of dread but out of trying to learn to appreciate what I have at the moment I have it and not worrying or trying to calculate how long it will last.  I am expecting it to last forever.  Each day, now, spans my forever.

I don't remember if I've read any blogs addressing this issue I'm going to write about.  I have been thinking about it though and doing some half-hearted research. 

My daughter applied for a job a little over a month, ago.  It ended up that it was for a temporary agency.  The first time they called for a job for her, she had been drinking and never answered the call.  Once she stopped, she asked me if they would be mad or if she maybe had lost her chance (I still think she has issues with self-sabotage and I can't figure out why).  Anyway, I told her to call and find out.  What's the worst that could happen--they fire you?  So, you look for something else.  Life will go on and it will be okay.  I can't remember exactly when, but the company ended up calling her and offering another position with a different company, no questions asked. She filled out the paper work.  I drove her to the interview.  Today, is her first day. It is a data entry job that she is not interested in permanently, but for a month, she said, it will do.  She said to me that it will get her back into the job world, give her experience, and money.  She has not had a job for two years.  In fact, it was two years ago, this month, that the summer of hell was coming to an end.  During that time, life seemed so out of control.  She seemed possessed.  My brain was whirling with it all and it felt as though nothing was ever going to feel right, again. 

Life is much calmer, now.  We did get into a routine, here.  She would be sober for awhile but then for some reason, a thought would bubble to the surface of her mind or she would take a trip to the past, and then would drink for a week or more.  We established boundaries.  When she was sober, she helped around the house.  It is not as though she was doing nothing.  I suggested books, she started to read. We worked on developing a more healthy routine.  It was start and stop but we did establish a routine that seemed to have had some good come out of it. 

A lot happened in that two years both good and bad.  Today, as I've written before, things seem different.  More grounded and less panicked. We can talk about more without getting into a fight.  She doesn't seem as desperate, today.  So, here is the issue I mentioned in the beginning.  Could I be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? 

We have talked about her drinking.  She said that she isn't going to buy alcohol.  Not, "I don't plan to" but "I'm not going to."  She did say that, once before, but (I don't know how to put this into words) it was different. Even though she did buy it, it didn't last as long and she didn't buy as much.   Anyway, that was our conversation.  It has come up sporadically (only because I've been keeping my mouth shut because if I let fear take over, I'd be following her around all of the time asking questions and trying to get something in writing).  Each time the conversation was civil.  So, I felt as though I shouldn't say anymore about it.  I can't control it, we both know the issues, so just be quiet, is what I would tell myself.  It was okay, until yesterday.  We had a good day, but ALL day all I wanted to do was ask her, "You're not going to buy alcohol, right?"  I wanted to keep telling her that the job wasn't worth stressing over if she felt that coming on.  I wanted to remind her about what to do if she felt the urge or started thinking about it.  I could have talked about it all day, but instead, I kept quiet.  The cause of that, though, was that the memories from the summer of hell were bubbling up for me.  Thoughts I haven't allowed into my brain were taking formation front and center, waving flags and shooting fireworks.  It was going against everything I'm trying to do.  Pray, stay hopeful, believe that God is in control. 

Saying good-bye this morning was bittersweet.  The hopeful side was thinking how wonderful this was.  She was once again, a participant in life as it should be.  Simmering beneath my real thoughts, however, were the memories of what has happened in the past.  I am trying to 'think them away.'  The way I'm feeling though, is that because of PTSD? Could not just the remembering but the churning stomach, difficulty concentrating, and general feeling of a lack of focus be a form of PTSD because the scenario (having a job away from home) is the scenario of that summer from hell?

It is a new day.  She has taken that first, healthy, courageous step back into the world of the living.  I am so proud of her and want this to be the first day of the good rest of her life.   All of this time I've been telling her to let go of the past.  Release, forgive, move on.  It seems as though she really is working on that.  Now I guess, I need to follow my own advice.