A Slow Process

Letting go is hard.  Letting go disrupts a routine of understanding and familiarity.  Sometimes that routine is not healthy but just being a routine makes it comforting, for lack of a better word.  No big surprises await you around some unknown corner.  You know the corners and boundaries and it gets comfortable. 

The first week that my daughter went to work I could hardly move.  I didn't leave the boundaries of my house.  Even going out into the yard was difficult for me because my fears, that had roots in the past, had grown and vined their way through my brain to such an extent that mentally I was having difficulty separating the past memories with the clean, new present circumstances.  Her taking those first steps back into life seemed to push me down a well of my own where I could see  the light of our 'safe' routine fall further away from me as I fell deeper into the well of my past thinking.  The first day for me was almost paralyzing.  Almost.  I did little things around the house, but found that I spent a lot of time just sitting and rationalizing my thoughts.  An unrealistic thought would pop into my head (she has alcohol) and I would have to go through steps to tell myself that it was not true.  The phone would ring and my brain would slam me back to those crazy calls of two years ago where she called me from work and I could tell she was drinking, so I would find a friend, make an excuse and have them drive me to her work so that I could wait in her car and drive her home.  But the call would be benign this time and I would be so exhausted from the built up fear (which amazingly only lasts seconds) that I had to go back an lay on the couch. 

When she came home that evening sober and tired from a day working in an office, my senses were on high alert searching her face and voice for any signs that my fears were right and thankfully, there were none.  She was good.  This went on for a week, though I must say that each day got a little better.  I had to talk myself--rationalize with myself--that she was okay.  And in the evening when she came home, she was.  We were establishing a new routine.  A healthier routine, but my mind was so stuck in fear, that I wasn't able to appreciate the more positive change.  I never let her know about what I was thinking.  I didn't ask questions.  I just let it happen and dealt with my own issues on my own. 

I do believe prayer has allowed us to get to where we are now.  What frustrates me, though, is that it is not a smooth path for her.  She hates the job.  It is mundane and boring for her. She sits in a cubical and makes phone calls all day to verify information.  Sometimes the people on the other end are nice.  A lot of times they are rude and impatient.  We have talked about it but I was afraid that this negativity on their part would cause her to want to drink.  It hasn't or if it has, she has been strong enough in herself that she has moved past the thought.  On Friday, she she thought she would be paid, but she wasn't so she called the company that she works for (it is a temp agency) and though they gave her the direct deposit paperwork that she filled out, they did not give her the time card she needed, so for two weeks, she has not been paid.  She made calls and has the time cards and will see the HR person on Monday to clear things up.  Again, a stressful situation that I was afraid would make her want to quit, but she handled it all well, even though she is angry about it.  The third issue is that she is only supposed to be there for a month but no one has given her a specific end date (I have to say that this company is not very professional, at least the women with whom she's had to deal with aren't).   So, I told her to explain this to the HR person and settle it that way.  Frustrations.

Why can't it be easy for her, at least in the beginning, so that she can build inner strength?  There is a lot about this experience that I don't understand.  Spiritually, that is one I'm having some trouble with. I know life isn't perfect and I'm not saying that I want it to be, but it could be a little easier, at least in the beginnings.  She has handled it all well, though, and I'm very, very proud of her.  This letting go is a slow process.  Slower this time than the first time I let her go.