Letting Go

When my children were young, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't know where they were, what they were wearing, eating and who they were playing with.  I knew when they went to sleep and when they woke up.  I was the guardian of their young lives and I enjoyed every minute of it, even the  illnesses and injuries, though I wasn't happy that they happened, I was glad to be the one taking care of and nurturing them back to health.

At the appropriate times, as they got older, I started letting them go.  It wasn't sad to me, though I must say on that first day of school my heart did ache a little as I watched them get onto their first school bus.  But I allowed it to happen, knowing it was the right and healthy thing to do for them as they learned to navigate their little lives on this new life path. 

As they grew older, I knew a little less about their lives.  I knew what they were doing at home, but once they were in the company of friends, their lives were less visible to me.  My 'watch' was shifting.  I was no longer in direct control.  Sometimes, now, I was in the crow's nest, watching from a distance. 

It was all good and natural, that letting go.  They were moving into their lives with very little upset.  Life was on a good course, until addiction pulled along side my daughter and pirated her course.  There was a lot of shifting and confusion and madness  until I understood how the enemy maneuvered.  That took ten years total.  I have to say that through those ten years, there were successes and life did move forward, but as the addiction continued to manipulate and sabotage, that forward motion began to stall. 

After the summer of hell, these past two years have become more 'settled'.  I understand the situation a little better.  I have accepted that I can only control me and no one else.  I am not being tossed around as I was in the beginning. I now have a firmer hold on life.  These past two year have provided a routine--not a healthy routine in many respects--but a routine that has allowed me to stop my mind from being tossed around by the storm of addiction.  I can think now.  In these past two years my daughter has been home.  There have been times that she was working on her health and there have been times where she decided to submit to her demons. It has been hard, but I knew where she was. We had a routine and like when she was little, I was hoping she was learning to re-navigate her life, here in a safe environment, with me standing guard.  Honestly, it helped me to feel more in charge, again, and allowed my own mind to begin to settle from the storm.  I think, too, using home for two years as a mooring place for her life, was helpful for her to finally mentally slow down and dock.  Get out of the storm and find some rest.

Well, happily, it is the beginning of the second month of her sobriety.  The day of going to see, The Little Mermaid, was her last drink.  I can't tell you how happy I am. She has a job, that she doesn't like, but the frustrations that it is bring, she is working through.  I didn't realize, though, that I would be going through the  'letting go' process, again, only now I have horrible memories that are attached and making the 'letting go' more difficult than the first time.  I do think PTSD has something to do with it, but I am working through it.  Maybe that will be the topic of what I write for awhile...how hard the second letting go can be.  In the meantime, I am thankful for the prayers because I do believe those words are what helped to clear the fog here.  So, thank you.