I am trying to sort out my experiences and thoughts to better understand how to move forward and not stay stuck in the past.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Runaway Thinking

We were sitting in the living room after dinner tonight.  My daughter was looking at a site on the ipad that has retro clothing as well as interesting and unique jewelry pieces and other accessories.  Occasionally, she would make a comment like, "This is pretty,"  or "What do you think of this?"  and show me a picture of a ring or dress.  At one point she casually said, "If I was still drinking, I might order this,"  and showed me a picture of a flask with a saying on it about a mermaid. 

Prior to that I could feel myself relaxing and getting sleepy.  When I heard that, I think a  little jolt of adrenaline shot through my body and my eyes flew open. Initially, all my brain heard was 'drinking' as I turned to look at the picture on the ipad, and tried to comprehend that I was looking at a flask.  It only took that split second for my heart to skip a beat and panic to start that rumbling in the pit of my stomach, BUT then my brain started pulling the reigns on my runaway hearing and thinking and slowly (only seconds, again) my rational brain collected ALL of the words she had said and it registered the, "If I was still drinking...." part.  I played that part over and over in my mind. As my heart was settling, I quietly watched her lounging and casually gliding her thumb across the screen, the panic that I had momentarily felt, thankfully, never registering on my face. 

I closed my eyes and smiled in my heart as I said a little prayer of thanks.

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