Unnoticed

I never realized that I could go through one day and then another and another and not really notice myself until this weekend.  I took my dad on some errands that he wanted to run.  The post office to stop his mail for a week (he'll be here with me).  His house to pick up some items.  The store to return something.  It was when we were at the store and he was at the service desk returning the item he didn't want anymore that I drifted over to the make up area just to graze.  I was looking at the nail polish.  I thought about getting a color, something new and doing my nails.  Immediately, the thought popped into my brain, "Why bother?"  The feelings floating around that mental response were the emotions that accompany thoughts of my daughter, the addiction that is holding her so tight, and how little the 'fun stuff' matters when someone you love so dearly is in such a deadly embrace that it begins to reach over and start choking the desire out of you.

I used to spend time on myself.  I don't want to give the wrong impression. I still wear make up, wash my hair, buy new clothes, but I don't give anything the extra effort that I used to and that I really enjoyed doing.  Crabtree and Evelyn make, at least they used to, this almond hand/body cream that I love.  I used to use that after I showered, enjoying the few extra minutes to pamper myself.  No more. I mechanically shower opting to spend those extra minutes trying to catch extra sleep, even though I've already had eight hours.  My body is rested, but my mind is still foggy and disorganized. I  still use most of my energy trying to act as though life is as it should be at home. Functioning at work.  Listening to the healthy stories my friends share about their children is two sided.  My one side is happy that they are experiencing life so wonderfully.  For my other side, it's like hearing fingernails on a chalk board;  trying to listen to experiences that my daughter should and could be having, but is choosing not to.

So, I have been fading away on the inside.  I wake up, get ready, go to work, come home exhausted, play with the dogs, make dinner, sit down, and as soon as I'm lying at a 45 degree angle or less, my eyes close and I wake up an hour later only to crawl up to bed where I can finally find some solace in my dreams.  Friends call and I rarely go anywhere because when I do, the energy to feel normal is almost all used up from the day. I don't make the effort because I feel as though I'm abandoning my daughter in some way. Kind of like, "Why should I have fun when she's in such pain."  I get why people who are not happy with their lives isolate themselves.  I also get why it is so dangerous to do that.  Life becomes shell-like.  No substance on the inside and very fragile on the outside.  It's not supposed to be that way. 

What to do?  Change. Become more aware of who I am, what I'm doing. Where I'm going. Who I'm with.  Instead of mentally standing on the sidelines, jump back into the game.  Life goes on, regardless of the choices we make.  Good or bad, I think we're supposed to feel the experience.  Learn from it and pack it all with us, to take wherever we go so that we can be better examples, more patient, more understanding.  I wrote about 1 Cor. 4 being my guideline.  Well, as I sit here thinking of what to type, it occurs to me that, "How can we be all of those things, how can we experience Love if we hide from everything?"  How do you learn to be patient if you don't have to wait?  How do you learn to be kind if you stay away from everyone?  How do you learn to not hold grudges unless you've been hurt?  How do you learn to hope for all things, if you don't participate in the life you've been granted? 

Okay, today is a new day.  I'm going to make the effort, again, to notice me. I'm going to broaden my vision to look past the hurt and try to find some kind of healing, because I don't believe that this is the way I am supposed to be dealing with this experience.  I did kind of have a mental-exhaustion-light-bulb moment.  Because of what happened this weekend, I literally looked up to God, and said, "She's in Your hands.  She's all Yours. It's Your will not mine.  Whatever happens, is Your doing, with Your blessing.  So, I let that part go.  Let's see where it will take me.