I am trying to sort out my experiences and thoughts to better understand how to move forward and not stay stuck in the past.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Expectations

I had an argument with my dad yesterday. I called him in the morning to tell him we were coming over to visit and bring lunch later that afternoon.  He told me that his furnace wasn't working. I asked him if he wanted me to bring him over here, and that, was the beginning of a conversation that morphed into an argument.  At ninety, some things have begun to wear down on him, but not his tongue.  It is still as sharp as ever.  He made some very hurtful comments.  Comments that weren't true, but somehow still managed to short circuit my thinking.  He can be mean when he disagrees with what I say or is upset with something.  At those times, he won't stick with facts, he pulls out that verbal saber and starts cutting away.  Pretty soon, I'm just too numb to continue arguing.  The interesting part of that whole experience was that I woke up yesterday in a good mood. I felt good. Nothing ached. I felt refreshed.  After the argument, I felt exhausted. Really, thirty minutes after waking up, I was so tired I could hardly stand up.  My neck started aching.  The phone call lasted maybe fifteen minutes.  The residual effects lasted all day.  I never fully recovered.  I went through my day. Ran errands with my daughter. We donated blood. We ended up going to my dad's to bring him here  to spend the night (by the way, all was 'forgotten' on his end, while I was still having residual effects). And I was dozing by seven.

My daughter saw that I was upset. She kept saying to me, "Mom, remember. It's grandpa."  My response was that I knew, but, why did it still bother me?  She reminded me about that speaker's advice about letting things go.  She was right, but why couldn't I?

Expectations. That's why it still bothers me.  I have expectations of my dad because he is my dad.  He carries the mantle of 'father' and with that comes certain expectations.  But, just because he carries the title of father doesn't mean he's read the manual that comes with it. 

My expectations of a father are loving, kind, protective, wise, understanding, forgiving, encouraging. That's not how my father apparently has seen it, at least with me.  I'm not pouting here.  I'm stating reality.  It's been witnessed by everyone one in the family that when he wants to lash out I'm the target he seeks.  I have no idea why, and have long ago stopped really wondering.  I now only wonder why does it still bother me?  Yesterday, expectations was the answer that came to my mind.

Expectations can really cause a lot of trouble. Too high and you're never satisfied. Too low and you're never satisfied.  Nothing is ever enough when expectations aren't met.  So, why do we make them?  I have expectations for myself and if I don't achieve them, I mentally berate myself.  If they're too low, I feel bad about myself.  Those expectations I put on others have the same effect.  And ironically, I find that even when I do meet my expectations there's that little voice that says, 'what could you have done a little better?'  Is anything ever really the best you can do? 

Expectations have caused a lot of heartache in this journey with addiction.  Expectations pull the past along kicking and screaming and puncture the future full of holes.  Expectations, I'm finding, are a Trojan horse.

My expectations of someone often cloak them in a personality that isn't truly them.  So, my lesson from yesterday: lose the expectations and accept people for who they are at that moment.  Understand that regardless of the title they hold, father, mother, daughter, son, friend, everyone's manual is written and understood differently (and maybe never read at all). My challenge is to accept people for who they are not the title they hold.  Life can change in a second and all of the expectations in the world can't change that but they can rob you of really understanding someone; Of really knowing the individual standing before you.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Signe - you're so right. I had such a father too - passed away almost 5 years ago, on St Patricks day in 2008. And I know my envisioned (hopeful ?) expectations of my son are what do bring me down - as he doesn't manifest them daily. Thank you for this post.

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