A Headache

My son graduated from the state police academy, yesterday.  I am so proud of him.  I took a personal day to drive the four hours to Harrisburg, spend the day with him, his girlfriend and my ex, and then drive back.  I was up at 3:30 am and home by 9:30 pm.  I'm tired, but in a good way.  On Thursday the day before, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  My dad's furnace is acting up again, and without getting into a very long and frustrating story, he is here, now, with me.  He was going to stay here Friday, alone with the dogs, because he feels he is too old to make the all day trip.  Turns out, he was probably right. We did a lot of walking and I don't think he would have been a happy camper.  My daughter was supposed to go with me, but, ended up buying alcohol and is in her room, now.  I hated coming home to this.  I really did feel like taking some arbitrary exit on the turnpike and never looking back, but I didn't.  I'm here.

I lied about why she wasn't there.  I told my son, his girlfriend and his dad that she decided to stay with my dad because he wasn't feeling good.  I guess those enabling behaviors still surface in the face of danger.  Her dad wants to come and see her.  Now what?  Another headache to experience. 

I'm taking my dad to his house to pick up his mail and do whatever else he needs to do before bringing him back here.  If the temperatures were not so cold, he could be at his house, but the nights get so cold and I don't think he's liking being alone so much anymore.  It's okay.  It's almost like having another puppy here.  When he's not napping, he's following me and we talk.  The problem is, unless I tell him that my daughter has caught the plague, I don't know how I can keep trying to explain why she's not coming downstairs.  He's too old to get into the truth of all of this. I just don't have the energy. My headache's getting bigger.

I'm mad at my daughter, too.  My birthday is on Sunday.  Yesterday her brother achieved a huge bit of success.  Yet, she decided to drink.  Here is what I'm thinking.  In the early stages, she sabotaged herself.  It took me awhile to notice, but the pattern was, whenever something good was going to happen, or she was going to have to do something, out came the alcohol.  Now, it seems as though she not only wants to sabotage herself but everyone else, too.  I think she didn't expect me to go without her. I think there is some distortion in her brain that has two sides. One side is the side that berates her.  She's not pretty enough. Not smart enough. She might fail. She isn't good at talking to people.  This side can't take compliments.  This side can't see herself, her real self. This side believes the lies of addiction. That side is kind of filled up.  Now, the other side, is starting to  pour that mental poison on everyone else.  I don't like this. 

I also don't like that I don't like her when she drinks.  She's a mean drunk.   Hurtful. Spiteful. Until she passes out, then it's just pathetic.  When she's sober.  She is fun to be around. Smart. Witty. Kind. Gentle. Thoughtful.  The part that I'm not liking is that she is spending less time being sober and more time drinking.  I don't like that person.  I realized, I'm starting to not like my daughter.  If she decides to never stop, will I stop liking her altogether?

Well, I just wanted to get it all out to see if it would make me feel better. 
I think I need more aspirin.