A Story

I am going to tell a story that is true.   Nothing earth shattering, but it was kind of destiny changing for me because it changed my thinking and the way I focus my intentions--more like it changed the direction from which I see my beginning and wait for the arriving destination.

I was not in a happy marriage. The man I married was amazing on the outside, but behind closed doors he was mean. I used to try and figure out how I could change him. When that didn't work, I tried to change me to the point that I became so pretzeled-up I found it difficult to function. I was trying everything I could because I had (1) made a commitment, and I take those very seriously--my word is important; (2) I had children and no job and was young; (3) God hates divorce. 

Those were the three reasons I juggled daily to continue in the marriage. But, after days and years of bad things, the commitment ball I juggled, dropped.  Then, not having a job with children dropped. It was that last ball I kept tossing around that made it the hardest to leave; God hates divorce.

I have to say I've been richly blessed with a group of core good and godly friends.  I began to open up that inner life that I was embarrassed about to them. They listened.  Gave suggestions.  Never judged. I still struggled with, "God hates divorce."  So, I started reading and researching. And one day it hit me.  Yes, God hates divorce, but not the person.  God hates the act but not the actor.  And I realized, I hate divorce, too. And, didn't it say, "Let no man put asunder?  Well, what about God, can He put it asunder?" Those were my thoughts.  I just couldn't imagine that I would be held accountable for this decision for the rest of my life, especially when I was deceived by the person I married:  The person he presented to me while dating, was the Dr. Jekyll to the Mr. Hyde I saw after the wedding.  It was subtle, like a daily pinch of poison, but pretty soon, it took it's toll. 

During one of my discussions with a friend, and now the subject of should I get a divorce was popping up, she told me to write a letter to God.  Mostly to get things off of my chest, but also to sort out my thoughts and get clarity.  Consider it a long prayer, she said.   So, I did.  I sat in the living room, quiet and alone and wrote. I told God what I was feeling, how unhappy I was, how afraid I was.  I wrote that, and a lot of other things, but ended with, "I'll stay if You want me to. If so, please help me work it out, but if it is okay, let me know if I can end this marriage. I am coming to You to release me from this marriage."  I reread the letter, and then placed it in the fireplace and watched the flames embrace my prayer and the smoke swirl up the chimney.

I have to say here, that although I have always believed in God, I have never had those mystical experiences like hearing Him or seeing anything.  I had seen, in hindsight, how God had had His hand in things, but nothing up close and personal in the way of 'direct contact' (so to speak).

Life continued to be stressful.  About a week after I wrote my letter, it was evening.  He hadn't come home from work, yet.  My children were occupied, and I was doing dishes at the sink.  I remember being bent over, thinking of nothing in general, when out of nowhere, I felt as if something had been pulled off of my back.  I physically, inhaled and straightened up, and looked around the room.  What was that?  Literally, it felt as though someone had stood behind me, reached in and pulled something out of me.  No pain, just an incredible feeling of being released or lightened to the point where I spontaneously had to draw in a breath and straighten up.  I don't know how else to describe it.  After a few seconds, the thought hit me.  I had been released from the spiritual bond of marriage.  He came home shortly after that, and when he walked into the kitchen, the feeling was different.  I didn't have that connection with him, anymore.  I saw him differently. We were separate.  We were the two individuals, again, not "joined as one."   I spent the rest of the night reviewing in my mind what had happened.  I even tried to 'feel' the same way (crazy since that was what I was trying to get away from) but still, this experience had been so subtle yet so powerful, I wanted to make sure I wasn't mistaken in what had just happened.

A few days later (I still needed to mull things over in my mind) I told my friend what had happened without telling her my thoughts.  She also saw it as a release.  I told two other friends, and they also came to the same conclusion. So, three godly women, with the same conclusion--confirmation.  I wasn't 'seeing' things.  It was real.

That was twelve years ago, but that memory and feeling feel as fresh as if it happened an hour ago.  Because of that experience, I am always cautious of decision making and who I rely on.  It is easy to get caught up in advice from friends, or books, or groups, and to lean on them, because they are close and real and comforting.  But since that experience, even though I get frustrated and argue and ask, "Why?"  I am more intent and more purposefully turned to God for direction.  And once I find confirmation in that, I can move to the 'earthly' supports.  It has forced me to be more patient.  I have developed a small library on biblical books.  I wait a lot longer.   So, I am still waiting for an answer to help me understand what is happening with my daughter.  What I should do. I can't understand it, still.  The same feelings are there.  Different emotions blink differently depending on the day. Some times anger is bright while hope is dim, and then hope blazes and sadness blinks.  I try to figure out the right words to pray to get a clear response.  So far, I'm on hold.  But since I know the answers arrive at some point, I'll keep waiting.  In the meantime, my prayers have extended to this vast world of unseen parents, completely unknown to me until my unwarranted initiation.  I am praying that you, too, find what it is you need and desire.