The Enabling Onion

I am trying to peel away the layers of the enabling onion.  I am reading other blogs and here is what I'm thinking: The fear of enabling clogs communication and can prevent connection.

Let me first say that boundaries are key.  Boundaries help to mold everything. Without boundaries and communication, intention and all of life, gets fuzzy; like a blob spreading out and covering everything with a dark, gooey film.  Clear boundaries are necessary for clear thinking. 

As a parent, we have experience, memories, knowledge, and wisdom (just to name a few acquired gifts) on our side.  As parents, I believe it is our job to pass on that experience, knowledge and wisdom to our children. Who hasn't told a toddler  to hold your hand crossing a street because as a parent you knew the dangers. Who, as a parent, hasn't out of fear and knowledge of the possible outcome, grabbed a child off of a chair precariously positioned in a dangerous spot, or grabbed a hand away from fire?  We do this motivated by love and because 'we've been there.'  Growing up, I didn't have to get my hand sawed off to know that laying my arm on a spinning saw blade may cause serious injury.  My dad warned me, and seeing what the saw blade did to a piece of word, I got the message.  Not all lessons have to be learned first hand.   In fact, you don't have to be a parent. Any adult would try to save a child from injury if the circumstances called for it.  (Can I add here, that I don't believe that parental advice stops at 18.  I still take advice from my dad, and even my friend's parents, because they have more life experience than I do).

God works through all of us, parents, too.  I think that we hesitate doing a kindness for our children, due to a fear of letting down the boundary barriers. So we opt to keep a distance, so to speak, rather than to risk a possible venture into that swamp, again.  A fear that a kindness or loving action may be misinterpreted as weakness or that the enabling behaviors are starting back up, prevents us from doing our job as parents. (We're not as critical if a stranger does the same kind act, but for some reason, we shift the options from side to side, weight and worrying if it is the right thing to do). I think the addiction of the child to drugs/alcohol permeates the interaction and communication between parent and child robbing that relationship of a very important connection in a family--the parent and child. 

I think it takes a lot of soul searching and retraining your brain to move from being that fearful parent who runs toward all opportunities of connection with blind eyes and a bursting heart  (I admit, I've done that).  I think, though, that with the boundaries in place and wisdom as a the key to your voice, and patience as the lock, you can do those acts of kindness and love without disturbing the fragile balance of enabling and parenting.  (We really do know in our heart of hearts when we should talk and when we shouldn't).

When our babies were learning to walk, and pulling themselves up, and suddenly plopping down, we didn't run screaming and crying over to them and decide to carry them from that point on to side step injury. No, we watched, held back when necessary, and only moved to avoid a tumble down the stairs or some other mistake that would cause a similar tragedy.  So, we really do know how to 'step back' we've just lost touch with that because our helpless babies have shifted to independent adults. 

I read once that chronologically (whatever the age that the person started their addiction) is emotionally where they are 'stuck.'  So, even when they are sober, emotionally, they are still viewing life at that point in time when the addiction began.  We get frustrated because we see an adult, but emotionally we may be dealing with a teenager.  (How we acted with our teenagers is different than how we act with our adult children).  As sobriety continues, the emotions do get caught up, and eventually the whole person is 'reconnected.'  I believe this.  I've experienced this. 

I have read that it takes more than love.  I agree.  I also think that love has been been interchanged with fear and as a result has been used in the wrong way. Love isn't blind. Love is the source of how we should act.  What is blind and causes us to get enmeshed in the addiction is fear.  It is fear that is blind.  Fear of what might happen. Fear of the future. Fear of losing someone.  Fear blinds us. Love guides us. 

Peeling this onion causes a lot of tears. Tears of sadness and frustration, for me.  Peeling this onion is forcing me to retrain my thinking, and that can be painful at times.  Peeling this onion, though, is helping me with more than I realized.