Mending

Well, we had been sober here for 10 days.  Starting over, again, trying harder this time.  Each time this happens, though, there does seem to be some new 'break through' with her thinking.  Something as minor as she's decided not to drink diet pop anymore.  I have never been comfortable with the chemicals and sugar content, and have asked her to try something healthier (so has her brother), but until recently she has continued drinking it, until 10 days, ago.  So, it was going well here.  We're joining a gym, and making plans.  And then her dad decides to send her a text that jabbed her heart and soul, and yes, she bought alcohol.  I don't know why she allows him to have so much power over her.  She has been to therapy, counseling, rehab facilities, and has talked about this issue, but for some reason, she allows this to happen.  I talked to her about it last night.  She claims to hate her dad.  I know she loves him, at least wants to love him, but is disappointed that he can be so mean and selfish (a big reason he's not hear anymore, especially the mean part).  Anyway, I told her it was okay to love him, even if he is not a good person; that doesn't make her a bad person.  I told her to pick out the bits of good, love that, and walk away from the chunks of bad.  I told her it is okay to sift through someone's personality and actions. It's necessary to set those boundaries.  Love is not an all or nothing contract that forfeits you for another.  She started to cry.

My son came over yesterday afternoon.  We talked.  He has come a long way.  When I first got a divorce, a good friend described it like a horrible car wreck, where three of the passengers were bloody, broken and trying to help each other up, while the fourth passenger walked away with a few bruises.  It really was like that.  My son was so angry at one time, and he treated my daughter and I so disrespectfully (those learned behaviors, that I too, take responsibility for, for allowing myself to be treated like that), that I kicked him out.  He was in high school, but I couldn't take it anymore. It was the hardest decision I have ever made.  It lasted two days, he apologized and we went to counseling.  I am proud of the man he has turned into.  He is patient, more confident and gentle with his words.  He checks in on his sister, and while this summer was the summer from hell, he as become more understanding and less quick to judge.  He buys her video games, that have women as the heroes.  Every once in a while he will buy her a video game that may take her back to a place where she was happy, with good memories, and maybe build on that.  He told me that last night.  It choked me up, to see him trying to help in his way.   He is still mending, but there is healing.  Because he is finally healing and his pain is subsiding,  he can understand others' pain, now.  He is more open to another's experience.  I am proud of him, to see how far he has come.  So, I know my daughter can do the same. She has that same foundation. I remember when she was out going and funny, and electric. I know she still has that, but just needs to find a spot, and start mending.