Life has been good here. My daughter had been sober for a month + and then the Monday before Christmas, when I came home from work, I was met with the old demon who refuses to leave my daughter, alone. Funny thing, I remember that day, during the course of the day, my stomach began knotting up and those old choking feelings began seeping into my mind. I shook it off, though, because it was the holidays and she had been so sober. Anyway, I went home and found her asleep in her room. When I woke her up, I could tell by the trail of her thoughts and speech, she had been drinking. So, up went the boundaries, I walked out suppressing all of the hurt and sadness that came flooding back and closed the door. Thursday, when I came home, I went up stairs to put on my sweats, and decided to check in on her. I opened the door, but she wasn't there. I called her name. I knew she wasn't out of the house, so I walked around the bed, and there she was on the floor.
I shook her. Nothing. My heart clicked to a pound. I shook her, again. Nothing. I called her name. Felt her chest, still breathing. To make a very long moment short, she was alive, but out, and more than just passed out. This was something different. When she is passed out, I can arouse her to at least a mumble. Nothing was happening here. It was a struggle, but I got her back onto the bed. That's when I noticed what I thought to be a seizure. In working with children with special needs, I have had a lot of experience with this. Though she wasn't convulsing, she did have all of the other signs. I made her comfortable, and waited it out. She came around, but was incredibly thirsty and tired, so I let her sleep. Later that night, I heard her stirring. I got up and went into her room, sat on her bed, and at two in the morning, explained to her what had happened. She has always been afraid of having a seizure. We talked, and she decided that it was time to stop. So, she took care of herself, and sobered up, and Christmas was blessed.
We continued to talk about it, and she would say over and over, "Well, I have a legitimate excuse to not drink, now. I have a medical condition." I don't know why she would need to have an excuse, but hey, if that is what it took and she was going to use that has her courage to change, then I was relieved.
Eighteen days later. I came home last night, and the suspicion goblins were buzzing in my head. Turns out, she bought alcohol! Ahhhhhh!
Boundaries up. Hope on hold. Resignation on full tilt. And my day has started with a cloudy vision of not knowing what else to ask for, pray for or hope for. I am in limbo.
Its a compulsion, and NOTHING else matters. Not you, not her health, not a boyfriend, not even an alcoholics own children. Why do you think so many drink themselves "to death?" I heard an AA speaker share in their story that they had a baby that was living with her mom. She got out of prison and the baby was now 4. She was determined to go see that baby. She said on the bus ride there she thought how it had been so long, just one drink wouldn't hurt anything. She stopped had the one drink which led to many many more. Which led to more time in prison. She didn't see that baby until he was 11. She said, "I had every intention of not drinking, of seeing my boy, of being a good mom to him and making up for the time I had lost....until I took that one drink."
ReplyDeleteMost alcoholics need more help then their mom's can provide. Until she gets sick of being sick, she will continue to promise and try and quite possibly fail....over and over again. Its really more than one can do alone and just be sheer will.
Keep your focus on yourself. Decide what you can live with and what you can't and stick to that. I am praying for her and for you. Can you email me.....lv4gves@comcast.net I have a question for you.