Home Repairs

I'm still changing, especially in my thinking. I was driving home two days ago and decided to turn around and stop at Home Depot. Those kinds of stores and places like Office Max and Joann Fabrics lift my spirits--so much potential is around you when you walk in.  All of the tools to change and build are lying around waiting for you to pick an idea and then start gathering the supplies to make that dream come true.  I have control in Home Depot. 

I don't feel I have control at home all of the time.  The situation has been good, here, for the most part.  Some relapses (I still don't understand why) have happened, but I haven't fallen mentally into that black tunnel I used to fall into .  My heart still gets sad and I still worry and grit my teeth when I pray, but life has gone on. 

When I was driving to the store, a little pang of worry or guilt started nagging me.  Rather than acting on it and turning around (the guilt comes from my thinking I need to be home just in case something happens) I started picking it apart.  Why do I still get that angst?  Well, I think it's because I read or heard once (I've read and heard so much that it's kind of blending all together) but it was a reliable source or I wouldn't have bothered to remember it.  Anyway, the person said that at whatever age the addiction started, that's the mindset of the individual.  If the person is now 25 but the addiction started when they were 15, then you're dealing with the emotions and thinking of a 15 year old who happens to be in a 25 year old body.  That makes sense, to me.  When I read or heard that I started noticing with my daughter her behaviors were still stuck in high school (I start my counting when the eating disorder began, not the drinking).  How she reacts to situations is where I see it the most.  She's always been intelligent, so that hasn't really changed, but that emotional maturity is what's still lagging behind.  What complicated out situation is my thinking was lagging, too.  Lagging in the sense that this was all new to me and I was so caught up dealing and trying to understand what was going on, I didn't realize that part of her was being held captive in the past (My Civil War thinking).  That's what the addiction does, holds people in the past, emotionally.  So, I've been trying to understand this addiction and the whys and how's but not changing how I treated my daughter.  Still acting as a mother of a high schooler and not a grown woman.

So, now my thinking is like this old coffee can full of nuts, bolts, and washers. In order to find matching pairs you have to dump the can out and methodically sort through the different sizes and shapes to find the pairs that fit together. It can be tedious work, but once the can is organized, things work much more efficiently.   I catch myself, now, when I want to respond like the mother of a younger person. When she acts like that younger person, my response--my mantra-- has been, "I think you can figure that out."  I need a mantra sometimes, to stop me from over explaining and then arguing.  Also, addicts can manipulate and I think that 'a mantra response' also helps me to stop the manipulation from that part of her brain that wants to remain a teenager.

So, there in Home Depot I had my therapy.  While I was meandering thought the aisles, I was thinking of all of this.  I gathered some items to help with some projects I have going on here.  I also gathered some clarity of mind and boosted my own will so that I can continue to readjust the situation here to a more structured course.