Back on the Bus

Well, we're back on the Merry-Go-Round. I have no idea why.  With the baptism, I thought that would help her stay motivated...it was her idea, after all.  I'm just mad, today. Okay, maybe there's one positive out of all of this. When I got home on Tuesday, that old feeling was resurrected (I can't explain it, a feeling deep inside my stomach or heart 'knowing' something isn't right.  To be honest, I was at work and that feeling just swept over me, I new something would be wrong when I got home).  I asked her if she had been drinking and she paused.  Instead of the idiotic denials to me, she said, "Yes."  I've asked her for honesty, so, I guess that's a plus. I wish she would have been honest about not drinking anymore, though. That's a better honest.  (I guess I should be more specific about what I wish for)

I'm just mad, today. Mad and frustrated that this is STILL happening. Though I'm happy that other people's children are living their lives successfully, there is a part of me, that is resentful.  My daughter was on that same road, once, not so long ago.  What happened?  I still go there, too.  What did I do wrong?  What could I have caught sooner?  When, exactly, did the slip start?  So, resentment and guilt are on board, I'm driving the bus, and we stop for anger, frustration and sadness at the next stop.  I try not to open the door, but they look so lonely standing there, I let them in.  I told them before I'm not driving this route anymore.  I'm done with that.  I'm thinking positive and letting God take over.  And here I am again, driving the bus. As I drive this bus, and keep going down this old, rotten, too familiar road, everything starts to annoy me:  This old house, who's drain in the basement is clogged.  (This happens every few years, so, I'm mad that I have to call the plumber, again).  The humidity. My clothes. That weed in the flower bed that keeps growing back. The new mascara I bought. That I have to go to work as if my life at home is good. Commercials on TV that advertise alcohol (I thought they weren't allowed to do that, anymore). And, I think there's a mouse in the basement.  Ugh.  These thoughts fuel the bus as I drive deeper around and around on this road that doesn't seem to have any ending.  I still pray, but my words are sounding dull.  I believe in miracles but don't see any out the window; it's so dark out there.

Well, that's it.  That's how I feel, today.