Confused

Someone help me understand this thinking.

Normally, my daughter is so sharp mentally.  Quick wit, smart, insightful, and then there are days like today, well, really yesterday.  Things were fine here.   We are having good talks.  She seems to be developing a better understanding and relationship with God.  It even gets to the point where I fell like this madness is all over--She is finally strong enough to either not need alcohol or want it. But then, I come home yesterday, and I can tell we are back down the rabbit hole.  We don't argue anymore about it.  In fact, the stretch between falls is extending, though not extinct.  It is what it is.  So, today, as I was doing my usual Saturday morning laundry and cleaning, I went into her room and found her sitting there petting the dog.  I sat down on her bed and asked her what had happened for her to do this.  She told me that yesterday she was thinking at how far she should be in her life by now, but isn't.  (She has in her mind that she is a certain age and should be at a certain place in her life).  I listened. I wanted to interject, but I listened.  I wanted to make that, "Really?" face.  But I didn't.  I listened.  When she was finished, I told her I wasn't going to argue.  That I had heard what she had said, but was confused. I told her (reminded her?) that alcohol is the only reason that she isn't where she feels she should be.  Alcohol is the only thing that has held her back.  Alcohol is the only thing that has robbed her of all that she feels she has lost.  So...why run back to it?  Why not just keep working hard and pushing forward?  Why, would you run to the very thing that has been holding you back? (I might have been making the "Really?" expression as I was talking, though I truly was trying not to).  I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I also told her that ironically, with all that has happened and all that is on hold in her life, the only real waste of time has been being so lenient with pursuing and fighting and working for her sobriety. The harder she works toward that, the more her life will unfold-- if she would just stay sober.

She listened.  I left.  Life goes on--well, mostly.

All of Those Ripples

Things are moving along, here.  All except for the humidity which seems to want to linger and linger.  School has started back up and honestly, it's like summer never was the way the routine kicks back in and life goes on.

Home is moving along, too.  As always, good and bad days, but the majority of days seem to be smooth and I'm thankful for the more normal routine.  We do have discussions still, and one that comes up and I must say is kind of a sticking point with me through this journey has to do with figuring things out.  Specifically, the discussion always circles around to how lopsided this figuring out has been.  She has only had herself to try to figure out (why does she do this, what are her triggers), where I have had to try and figure out my thoughts and reactions as well has her's and if we look at all of the ripples that tossing that stone causes, I am also trying to figure out my son's behavior during this as well as what other family member might say or think (which is why they don't know any of this).

I have been sober this whole time, trying to catch and analyze all of the triggers, reactions, behaviors, emotions--all of it--to try and figure out the bigger picture.  Sometimes I resent it, even though I have learned a lot from it. To be honest, I could probably write a whole book on resentments, but I don't really like wallowing there too long, so I doubt it would be healthy.

Anyway, I only mention this because we recently were talking about it here, and the conversation, as usual, didn't end that well because apparently I am rarely seeing it from her point-of-view.  Honestly, I'm not sure she fully understands her point-of-view that well, anyway.  I'm not mad, just stating what happened.  It is what it is--very comforting words that I now live by.

Going on Memory

My daughter and I were talking a few days ago.  We were talking about things we'd like to do some day.  Big ones, she wants to sky dive at some point, and little ones, I want to go for pie and coffee at a diner after dinner sometime with my childhood friend.  Anyway, she had some definite ideas I on the other hand could only come up with the pie and coffee idea, and even that came with some considerable thought.  "Mom, really?  That's all?"  was her response.  I thought a minute longer and, "Yep, that's all I got right now,"  was my response.

I thought a little more and a flicker of a light bulb (you know like the ones in the old Frankenstein movies that crackle and flicker before the big power surge) started glowing in my mind.  I realized that I had been taking care of other people for so long, and putting their needs and feelings before mine, that I have lost track of what I want.  I'm not complaining.   Just stating a fact.  I was married young and had my children young.  I took care of them and him, then my mom, now my dad, even though he lives alone, my life still revolves around him...it's why I'm not living at the beach right now.  Anyway, I'm not resentful or angry, I made the choices and I wouldn't exchange the time I had with my children and parents for anything and still, in doing for them, I seemed to have faded away somewhat.  Add to that the stress and energy that a job entails and living with an addiction and, well, you tend to lose track of you.

I told this to my daughter and she was sympathetic.  She admonished me to start taking care of myself.  (Really?)

So, today I tried.  I was outside reading my book, and I started thinking.  How do I take care of myself?  Each time I think of the little ways I would pamper myself before children and big responsibilities, I recall the time and  I took  soaking in a bubble bath with lit candles decorating the bathroom, and yes, incense wafting through the room.  The devotion to putting on lotion, brushing my hair, listening to music and putting on make up.  It was fun.  It made me feel refreshed and ready for whatever.  I felt pretty.  I also felt more focused.  I tried to think putting on lotion with that same graceful patience, today, but my mind jumped to no, I have to be done by this time, to do this and then go there, and pretty soon, no lotion.

Focus, I need to focus. Like someone revived from a long sleep, I need to focus on one pampered moment.  When I accomplish that, I'll move to the next.  My mom gave me a book ages ago, about taking care of yourself.  I love this book. It's full of pictures of this young girl (about my age at the time) who is showing all of the ways to take care of yourself.  Even the picture of her exercising is peaceful, not that aggressive, intense, can I say angry, look that a lot of exercise trainers show.  She is gently smiling as she does a sit up, or lifts a five pound weight.  It's all so gentle and calm.  Sadly, I haven't been able to find it in a while, so I'll be going on memory.  Does everything have to be a challenge?

Yeah, but...

I have been working on trying to appreciate what I have, despite the struggles my daughter continues to go through.  I was tired of writing about the same thing over and over.  We have good days and bad days and days stuck in limbo.  It has been so hard for me to look past my own anger and frustrations with this life.  If lives weren't so intertwined or love wasn't so strong, it would be a lot easier to look past her life and appreciate mine, more.  But that's not what happens.  I think, I have a great job.  Yeah, but she's still struggling.  I have amazing friends.  Yeah, but she is still isolating herself.  Yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but.  I have pushed though some mindsets that I thought I never would, but that attachment to your child, that invisible umbilical cord, can stretch to infinite lengths.

I don't talk about it with my friends anymore, those few who I trust with this part of my life.  In that way, I've come full circle.  Good changes, some.  Bad changes, a few.  No changes are still in the lead.

Anyway, I found an amazing book.  Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander, M.D.  I recommend it to anyone who may have doubts or if you just need that extra oomph of clarification and proof.

Another Reminder

We have this little Miniature Pinscher named, Dexter.  Since he came to live with us, almost two years ago now, I have been reading up on the breed.  In one of the readings, someone commented that having a Min Pin is like having an eternal toddler.  How true.  This little package of energy on four legs is all of that and more.  In all honesty, he's a handful.  He is hard to house train, though the former owner must have had something in the bathroom for him, because that is where he most often decides to relieve himself.  He pees on everything, so you can't put anything new on the floor.  When company comes, their suitcases have to go directly upstairs where the bedroom door is then closed, so that he doesn't decide to 'claim' those.  When he goes for a walk, he barks for the first 20 minutes, straight, it seems, while the other two dogs just quietly take in the scenery.  When he eats, he doesn't stay at his bowl, he grabs a mouthful and then carries it to some other part of the house, drops it and eats the bits from there.  When he's finished, he leaves the remaining bits o the floor. ( Fortunately, the beagle mix is food obsessed so that she cleans up any excess).    He pees on pillows, for reasons that I can't explain.   We are mopping, wiping, or washing something all of the time because of him.  Keeping a house clean, is a more time consuming job post Dexter than it was pre-Dexter.  Having said all of that, he is also very loving, cute, funny, and I don't know, just plain sweet.  I just love him. 

I was talking to my daughter about it.  That there are more reasons to get rid of him than to keep him, but you just love him so much that you work with the negative and bask in the warmth of all of the cuteness of him. My daughter said, "I think that's how God is to us.  We screw up so much and complain, make mistakes, and aren't always as faithful as we should be, but He still loves us through it all, no matter what." 

I loved that.  God puts reminders of His unfailing love all around us, sometimes, in the most unexpected places.  Ours came in the shape of a little Min Pin named Dexter.

Not of the World

Like that scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy is in the tornado and sitting in her room watching out of her window as people and items fly by, my life continues to spin around me. Through it all, with the exception of that moment in the hospital with my dad, I have been fairly calm.

 I am still in my personal transition. Much of it is spiritual.  I am convinced, whether it is an addiction or just getting through life, you can't do it smoothly without some kind of spiritual connection-Higher Power. Mine is God.  I have been listening to various speakers, reading and doing a lot of thinking and applying.  The Bible has always been a fascination to me. More than just words and a history, I believe it truly is the key to living life well.  I think there are some negative and wrong interpretations that have held me stuck in my own spiritual journey.  In the past several months, I have been putting more effort into understanding what It is really saying. 

One saying from the Bible that finally hit home with me was (and I'm paraphrasing) is being in the world but not of it.  Yes, I understand the words, but I didn't really appreciate their meaning until I applied it to my daughter's experience with addiction.  Though my daughter still doesn't discuss all of her issues concerning addiction, she has often mentioned that one of the problems with her thinking was/is that whatever it was that she was experiencing, just wasn't good enough.  We could be on an amazing trip, she could be having fun, but somewhere in her mind, it just wasn't enough--not good enough.  Regardless of what it was, a meal, an experience, a compliment, it just wasn't enough. I think that that mindset morphed into I'm just not good enough.  Once she considered that thought, then the sadness set in, the loneliness, the comparisons to other people's lives, followed by a lack of gratitude because how can you be grateful when you feel that everything is just not good enough because you don't deserve it.  Then the need to block it all out, so in slithers the alcohol.  Sick thinking, but for my daughter, I do feel it applies. 

So, I was thinking about all of that and because I'm always trying to figure out behaviors, that saying came to my mind.  A lot of 'trouble' starts when we compare ourselves to others.  I know that I was (still am at times) captured by that mindset.  After high school, you have to go to college, after college get married, have children, buy a house, etc. Though I was living my life, I remember for myself, always having in the back of my mind, "What is everyone else doing?" That was then, this is now.

In the world, but not of the world.  How does this apply to my daughter and her drinking?  If you're in the world, you're considering and contemplating everything you hear, people you see, and events that occur.  You're  worried about what is going on around you and judging yourself by that measure.  How can you ever be good enough when you're measurement is so skewed?   However, if you're in the world, but not of it--if you're taking your cues from God and accepting His Grace, then what goes on in the world has no power over you.  You can appreciate the good that is in the world, but the negative influences can be ignored.  What a simple concept that, for me, has been glazed over and not truly utilized.  I'm utilizing it, now.  Here how it has affected me during this fight with addiction.  I got sad seeing other friend's daughters living their lives.  I worried about how it looked with my daughter still living at home.  I worried about how we were handling this process as compared to say, AA or some other group.  I was worried about the future.  I can honestly say that I have quieted those worries.  My daughter's situation is unique to her. My situation is unique to me. Our situation is unique to us.  Worrying about what other people are doing pushes what work God has to do as well as the ability to acknowledge that work taking place, away from my focus.   I need to be focused on God's plan not the world's actions.  It is a very comforting change of thinking. 


I came to that light bulb moment when we were driving in the car.  We were talking about something, I can't remember, and it just hit me.  I explained to my daughter what I was thinking.  She just smiled and nodded.  I'm not sure she's accepting it yet, old thoughts are hard to evict, but at least a new idea was introduced, so maybe the new ideas that are introduced, will start crowding out the old ones. I know she is trying. I know I am trying. I am grateful for the opportunities to understand more clearly my relationship with God, as I continue to maneuver my way down this rocky path of addiction.

Handing Off

I feel as though I have been chugging along as a passenger on a train that I walked onto by mistake. Work is still overwhelming. I have had five new students in five weeks. That has added to the already overwhelming paperwork that I'm still a week or two behind.  Then, there is my dad.  He has been feeling out of breath for several months after doing minimal tasks.  Finally, this group of amazing cardiologists determined the problem, scheduled some tests, and this past Monday, he had surgery to replace his aortic valve. He is recovering in the hospital. He has been there for five days and doing very well.  He should be home this weekend.  My brother has been here through the process and that has really helped.  My daughter has been working on her sobriety and that has been even more helpful. 

This experience has made me realize how much I have had to do, alone.  Don't misunderstand me, I am not lonely nor do I mind being alone.  I didn't realize, though, how much of an unhealthy, mental and physical rut you can dig for yourself when your perception is  that if you don't handle it, it will all fall down. I realize that that is not true. It is true, though, that the only thing that does end up falling down is you.  I had two light bulb moments concerning this revelation and they both involved the same incident.

My daughter and I went into visit my dad on Thursday night.  My brother and son had been there a few hours before us.  My daughter and I were there from about 4:30 to 7:00.  When we first arrived, my dad seemed fine.  Then he leaned forward and told us he had a question.  He asked us to look on the floor for a little round, red thing that  he felt might be a bug.  We looked, but could not find a bug.  Then he excitedly exclaimed that there it was, crawling up the wall.  He described it as being round, red and with six legs. There was no bug on the wall.  What was on the wall was a small, round stopper to prevent the handle of the closet from banging into the wall when it was opened.  We told him that there was no bug.  Though I think he partially believed us, he would give us updates on it's movements and seemed intrigued that we couldn't see it.  This started my stomach churning.  So, I went to the nurses' desk and asked to see the nurse who was in charge of my dad.  To make a long story short, two nurses, and a nurse practitioner came to look at him. I was afraid of a stroke, but they tested him and said that wasn't it. They felt it was something called Sundowners.  I had heard of that before, but he has never, ever shown those symptoms before.  Plus, he wasn't agitated. He was kind of intrigued by the 'bug'.  Of course, my first instinct is always nutrition, so I tried to get him to drink water--maybe he was dehydrated. Then dinner came and he ate.  During all of this, my daughter sat calmly and talked with him.  When he insisted that the bug was moving, she calmly reminded him that there was no bug.  Eventually, she taped up a Kleenex over the round stopper and he then said that the bug had disappeared.  My daughter continued to calmly tell him that there was no bug. When my dad started to finally believe her, she continued to talk to him about it.  Me on the other hand felt like jumping out of the window.  I was starting to feel claustrophobic and nervous. I kept calling my brother to tell him what was going on.  I went from sitting in the chair, looking out of the window, gritting my teeth, to calling my brother (the line was busy) to giving my dad water to drink.  I was getting a headache and my stomach was starting to feel sick.  When my brother finally picked up the phone, I explained what was happening and he said that he would drive back to the hospital and stay with my dad over night if necessary.  My daughter and I left before my brother arrived, but my dad had started acting like normal, again.  My daughter was calm, my brother was calm, I was a bag of aches and nerves when I walked out of his room.  I was a mess. I know I was scared and that fear was driving my actions. I'm not sure why I was so afraid, but I was. 

Once we arrived home, my brother sent me several texts updating me on my dad. He ended up leaving the hospital two hours after he had arrived, saying that dad was acting normal. My dad had realized that what he was seeing hadn't been there, but he still was trying to figure out why he was seeing what he was seeing. 

Once at home, I was able to sit down and realize that my daughter and then my brother had both taken over the situation. I was so proud of my daughter. Her calm and patience not only helped my dad, but it also helped me.  My brother not panicking and 'stepping up to the plate' not only helped my dad, but it helped me.  Me who usually feels the need to make the decisions and plans, froze because of how afraid the situation had made me.  I'm still not completely sure why I was so afraid, but I was.  It felt so releasing to be able to rely on someone else. I can't say it enough--how proud I was of my daughter. When I told her, she kind of fluffed it off as not a big deal, but it was a big deal. Another learning experience for me. Another growing experience for me. Another reminder that Signe doesn't have to have her hands in everything. That sometimes it's okay to hand off the baton to someone more capable for the job.