Going on Memory

My daughter and I were talking a few days ago.  We were talking about things we'd like to do some day.  Big ones, she wants to sky dive at some point, and little ones, I want to go for pie and coffee at a diner after dinner sometime with my childhood friend.  Anyway, she had some definite ideas I on the other hand could only come up with the pie and coffee idea, and even that came with some considerable thought.  "Mom, really?  That's all?"  was her response.  I thought a minute longer and, "Yep, that's all I got right now,"  was my response.

I thought a little more and a flicker of a light bulb (you know like the ones in the old Frankenstein movies that crackle and flicker before the big power surge) started glowing in my mind.  I realized that I had been taking care of other people for so long, and putting their needs and feelings before mine, that I have lost track of what I want.  I'm not complaining.   Just stating a fact.  I was married young and had my children young.  I took care of them and him, then my mom, now my dad, even though he lives alone, my life still revolves around him...it's why I'm not living at the beach right now.  Anyway, I'm not resentful or angry, I made the choices and I wouldn't exchange the time I had with my children and parents for anything and still, in doing for them, I seemed to have faded away somewhat.  Add to that the stress and energy that a job entails and living with an addiction and, well, you tend to lose track of you.

I told this to my daughter and she was sympathetic.  She admonished me to start taking care of myself.  (Really?)

So, today I tried.  I was outside reading my book, and I started thinking.  How do I take care of myself?  Each time I think of the little ways I would pamper myself before children and big responsibilities, I recall the time and  I took  soaking in a bubble bath with lit candles decorating the bathroom, and yes, incense wafting through the room.  The devotion to putting on lotion, brushing my hair, listening to music and putting on make up.  It was fun.  It made me feel refreshed and ready for whatever.  I felt pretty.  I also felt more focused.  I tried to think putting on lotion with that same graceful patience, today, but my mind jumped to no, I have to be done by this time, to do this and then go there, and pretty soon, no lotion.

Focus, I need to focus. Like someone revived from a long sleep, I need to focus on one pampered moment.  When I accomplish that, I'll move to the next.  My mom gave me a book ages ago, about taking care of yourself.  I love this book. It's full of pictures of this young girl (about my age at the time) who is showing all of the ways to take care of yourself.  Even the picture of her exercising is peaceful, not that aggressive, intense, can I say angry, look that a lot of exercise trainers show.  She is gently smiling as she does a sit up, or lifts a five pound weight.  It's all so gentle and calm.  Sadly, I haven't been able to find it in a while, so I'll be going on memory.  Does everything have to be a challenge?