Not of the World

Like that scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy is in the tornado and sitting in her room watching out of her window as people and items fly by, my life continues to spin around me. Through it all, with the exception of that moment in the hospital with my dad, I have been fairly calm.

 I am still in my personal transition. Much of it is spiritual.  I am convinced, whether it is an addiction or just getting through life, you can't do it smoothly without some kind of spiritual connection-Higher Power. Mine is God.  I have been listening to various speakers, reading and doing a lot of thinking and applying.  The Bible has always been a fascination to me. More than just words and a history, I believe it truly is the key to living life well.  I think there are some negative and wrong interpretations that have held me stuck in my own spiritual journey.  In the past several months, I have been putting more effort into understanding what It is really saying. 

One saying from the Bible that finally hit home with me was (and I'm paraphrasing) is being in the world but not of it.  Yes, I understand the words, but I didn't really appreciate their meaning until I applied it to my daughter's experience with addiction.  Though my daughter still doesn't discuss all of her issues concerning addiction, she has often mentioned that one of the problems with her thinking was/is that whatever it was that she was experiencing, just wasn't good enough.  We could be on an amazing trip, she could be having fun, but somewhere in her mind, it just wasn't enough--not good enough.  Regardless of what it was, a meal, an experience, a compliment, it just wasn't enough. I think that that mindset morphed into I'm just not good enough.  Once she considered that thought, then the sadness set in, the loneliness, the comparisons to other people's lives, followed by a lack of gratitude because how can you be grateful when you feel that everything is just not good enough because you don't deserve it.  Then the need to block it all out, so in slithers the alcohol.  Sick thinking, but for my daughter, I do feel it applies. 

So, I was thinking about all of that and because I'm always trying to figure out behaviors, that saying came to my mind.  A lot of 'trouble' starts when we compare ourselves to others.  I know that I was (still am at times) captured by that mindset.  After high school, you have to go to college, after college get married, have children, buy a house, etc. Though I was living my life, I remember for myself, always having in the back of my mind, "What is everyone else doing?" That was then, this is now.

In the world, but not of the world.  How does this apply to my daughter and her drinking?  If you're in the world, you're considering and contemplating everything you hear, people you see, and events that occur.  You're  worried about what is going on around you and judging yourself by that measure.  How can you ever be good enough when you're measurement is so skewed?   However, if you're in the world, but not of it--if you're taking your cues from God and accepting His Grace, then what goes on in the world has no power over you.  You can appreciate the good that is in the world, but the negative influences can be ignored.  What a simple concept that, for me, has been glazed over and not truly utilized.  I'm utilizing it, now.  Here how it has affected me during this fight with addiction.  I got sad seeing other friend's daughters living their lives.  I worried about how it looked with my daughter still living at home.  I worried about how we were handling this process as compared to say, AA or some other group.  I was worried about the future.  I can honestly say that I have quieted those worries.  My daughter's situation is unique to her. My situation is unique to me. Our situation is unique to us.  Worrying about what other people are doing pushes what work God has to do as well as the ability to acknowledge that work taking place, away from my focus.   I need to be focused on God's plan not the world's actions.  It is a very comforting change of thinking. 


I came to that light bulb moment when we were driving in the car.  We were talking about something, I can't remember, and it just hit me.  I explained to my daughter what I was thinking.  She just smiled and nodded.  I'm not sure she's accepting it yet, old thoughts are hard to evict, but at least a new idea was introduced, so maybe the new ideas that are introduced, will start crowding out the old ones. I know she is trying. I know I am trying. I am grateful for the opportunities to understand more clearly my relationship with God, as I continue to maneuver my way down this rocky path of addiction.