A Reminder

I am still worrying, a lot.  Though it is not evident from my outsides, sometimes on the inside it feels as though I have electrodes connected to every thought and that causes everything that I think about to turn into some type of worry.  I worry about the jobs around the house I want to get finished--painting, cleaning the attic, cleaning the basement, getting rid of some paperwork, are just a few jobs I want to get done.  I'm not going to list all of the things I worry about, but the list is becoming endless.  My stomach can start churning at a sound that  reminds me of a thought that then reminds me of either a memory or job I have to do and then, wham, I'm in worry mode, again. 

I was sitting in the living room on Sunday morning. It was quiet. Early morning is one of my favorite times of the day.  I wasn't worrying. I was sipping coffee (another favorite time is that first cup in the morning).  At some point, I decided to turn on the TV. (I changed TV and Internet service companies and I am still playing around trying to rediscover what channels align with what stations).  Anyway, I landed on a channel where someone was talking about worry.  He said that you can't serve two masters--worry and God.  He went over Matthew 6: 24-34.  I know this passage, though obviously I haven't been applying it to my life.  I am trying to read this once a day so that the words embed themselves in my subconscious.  While I was reading it,  "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness..." was a part I was stumbling on.  So, I decided to research some places to see what other people had to say about it.  I read one site where the author, using Romans 14:17 explained 'the kingdom of God"  as the, "righteousness, peace and joy in you."  because of the Holy Spirit. I hope this isn't sounding too mystical, but this whole journey with addiction has also been, for me, a journey into how my faith and beliefs are working.  Kind of like a walk of proof.  Do I really believe what I say I do?  When things get bad (and having your child sick and destructive and sad is a 9.5 on a scale of 10 of how bad things can get) do I toss my beliefs for something else or do I stand firm (though a little shaky and worn)?

Well, I am shaky and worn out. I think the worrying is a sign of this, so I have to shift my direction, again, to get back on the more healthy path.  This time spiritually.  It's a daily struggle for me.  But I have to say that  along the way there have been amazing signs, shown in sometimes the littlest and least expected ways, that I'm not alone in this.  That there is some supernatural, benevolent, unseen presence that is never far away.  Last night, I was reminded about that in an unexpected way.

We were in the living room.  It has been hot and humid and rainy here.  I grilled some chicken and steaks last night.  The grill is on the back porch.  There is a large tree back there whose branches provide shade over the porch, during the rain, they are not much help.  So, I was outside, with an umbrella, grilling.  After the meal was cooked, my daughter put the umbrella on the front porch to dry off.  The front porch has a roof. 

We have a little min pin.  He is 12 pounds of energy.  We have to keep the screen door locked because if the door is open and he hears something in the front, he runs and literally slams into the door. If the door was not locked, he might unlock it and get out.  After dinner, while we were in the living room, there were several times that he jumped off of the couch, growling, because he must have heard something outside.  Kids walking by, another dog being walked,  anyway, he didn't do his normal jump, run and slam.  He jumped off of the couch and didn't leave the living room entryway.  He just growled a little and then jumped back on the couch. This happened a few times.  At one point, I walked to the front door to watch the rain coming down, and noticed that the screen door wasn't closed.  The lock was locked, but sticking in a way that the door was resting on the latch.  If he had run at the door, he would have been out. 

I sat and thought about it. I thought about Matthew 6.  God is in control. Don't worry about anything.  And I thought that as long as you are doing the right thing (my daughter did lock the door but it didn't latch correctly) that God will watch over the rest. 

I know this doesn't seem like a big event, but for us it was.  We worry about him getting out. He's done it once before and it was a BIG stress.  I don't know what was stopping him from leaving the living room and running to the door.  But the three or four times that he jumped down, he just stood there, looking around, and then jumped back onto the couch.  Not scared, not crazy barking, just quietly turned around and jumped back onto the couch.  That NEVER happens.  Well, until last night. 

I choose to believe that God was watching over us and that last night was an easy reminder that we are not alone in this.  I have had other reminders, too, if I take a walk down nightmare lane and remember all of the times that situations could have been much, much worse. 

So, I sit here and am grateful that I was given another reminder that we are watched over.  I will probably need several more in the future, but for now, this will do.