Internal Assessments

We had a great weekend. Saturday morning, a friend and I went to the Strip and shopped then to that church with the marble steps. Later, my daughter and I went and planted flowers at my mom's grave. It is a two hour drive, though there were detours this time. No one got upset. We just enjoyed the company and drive.

Sunday, my daughter, friend, and her two daughters went to this huge community yard sale that happens on the first Sunday of June every year. I love it. Not only is it fun searching the 'treasures' but the houses and yards are so old and beautiful that the whole experience is enjoyable.

Having said all of that, I've noticed more tenseness in me. "Was my daughter okay?" (She looked fine). "Is something going to upset her and send her to a bottle?" (She didn't seem upset). These two thoughts are always in my mind, because I know she has not really worked hard on the core issues that cause her to run to alcohol. So, what could (or used) to be 'colorful' experiences are a little more faded because addiction is never far away.

Because I don't seem to be able to stop thinking about addiction, I have been doing some internal assessments.  I have been trying to kind of stand outside of myself so that I can better understand the new me.  I miss the old me.  Yes, I'm wiser and more understanding of others, now, thanks to this experience with addiction.  I also feel as though, in general, I'm probably more patient with people. I also understand anxiety a lot better, because I think that anxiety is my new companion. 

I have noticed that I'm fearful/anxious about the future even when things are going well.  I have started to 'plan out' the negative that will or could happen.  I realized that I am not enjoying the good times because I'm thinking that too many days of good only mean that the bad days are drawing nearer.

I have noticed that stress is causing some physical symptoms that I never noticed, before.  I have had the 'usual' symptoms of stress, for me that is an upset, queasy stomach.  Recently, I have noticed that the days that stress is more intense, I'm starting to ache.  My muscles are actually starting to feel kind of pulled on the days that my stress level is higher than usual.  I'm pretty sure that is not a good sign.

I'm failing in emotional health.

So, this standing outside of myself is me trying to assess the situation, my reaction, and a better solution.  Most of it is just trying to breathe more steady and not let my internal self get so 'churned up.'  I do notice, though, that the internal churning does bubble out into verbal comments that I would normally keep to myself and  I'm swearing more.  The worst I used to say was s**t, and that wasn't all of the time, either. Stress has advanced me to the 'F' word.  I know I sound immature saying this, but I don't think that's good to allow the first thing out of my mouth (in a whisper, I'm not shouting it--yet) when I'm frustrated or upset is the f word.  I think reacting like that kind of weakens me spiritually.  Words are powerful, and if swearing is the word that is commanding my thinking, then I don't feel that is going to help me grow as a person.  So, I'm working on that.  I clench my jaws, a lot now.

I just don't feel good.  I feel like the days have no flavor.  I feel like I'm just plowing through the day, blinders on, just to get to the end so that I can go to bed.  I feel guilty enjoying anything because my daughter still struggles.  I feel guilty enjoying anything because I'm still struggling with resentment, anger, frustration, all of those emotions that are now apart of who I am because of this addiction.  Ugh.  I just hate this change in me.