Building Your Spirit

Tornadoes, school shootings, addictions, just writing these tragedies is depressing.  Even more depressing is knowing there is so much more out there that can cause such heartbreak and sadness to people. I do believe the majority of people in the world are good. I believe that they do not hate their neighbors, that they may struggle with doing the right thing, but most of the time they make that attempt.  I believe that human nature, even with all of the flaws that some people so quickly and willingly like to point out is kind and truth seeking.  Sometimes we make bad choices and it seems like we get stuck in a downward, rolling snowball, but in the deepest part of who we are, we are trying to stay in the light.

So why is life so hard?

I remember I was in the hospital with my mom, once. I think it was about two months before she died.  She had had a bad reaction to an asthma treatment and was recuperating.  I would drive over every night after work.  We talked, read magazines, I painted her toe nails.  My mother did not have an easy life.  At six years old she developed polio.  Playing outside on a Saturday, all normal and perfect.  Waking up on Sunday morning, after my grandmother called her for breakfast, and she couldn't get out of bed.  She just couldn't move.  Fortunately, after that first panic, the hospital stays and doctor visits, she was able to walk again, and only with a very slight limp.  Her right leg never fully caught up with her left leg.  Her father died when she was nineteen and being the oldest of four and the only girl, she quit nursing school to work as a secretary in the company my grandfather had worked.  After she married, she eventually went back to night school, when I was in sixth grade and after seven years graduated magna cum laude in library science.  She loved books.  Her dream was to buy a barn, fix it up to be a place where children could come and fall in love with reading.  She was going to have classes, fun activities, and readings.  Comfortable places to just plop down and read.  I really loved listening to her plan her dream.  Instead, she was offered a job as a school librarian and she accepted.  It was during that time that a lingering case of bronchitis turned into asthma.  As she got older, she developed a condition associated with polio.  It was like getting it all over again, though it didn't effect walking. It effected stamina.  She would have periods throughout her day or week that she would become extremely exhausted.  This never went away.

So, there we were in the hospital.  In her room.  I was sitting beside her on her bed, we were looking through a magazine talking about changing the colors in her living room, when she takes in a deep breath and sighs, "Why does it have to be such a struggle, Signe?"  "You mean life in general or choosing a paint color?"  "Life in general."   I think lying in a hospital bed causes your brain to wander into all kinds of thoughts, most I think are on the negative side.  Hospitals, to me anyway, rarely inspire healthy positive thoughts. 

Why are things so hard is a question I am struggling with almost daily.  Not that I'm not thankful for what I have, I am.  Having said that, "Why does it have to be so hard?"  I have a theory. What if all of what we muddle through with down here is like a micro example of God and His relationship to us.  A way for all of the 'whys' to be a little more clearly understood.  What if what the bible teaches--the lessons and rules that are written in the books, are not just stories and rules, but more like advice and instruction on how to grow and 'survive' to our fullest?  For example, the love a parent has for their child is like a micro example of the unlimited love God has for us.  Well, what if all of the hardships we experience are a way to build our spirit to survive in the life to come?  Like a baby growing in a mother's womb, before it is fully developed, it would not be able to survive on it's own physically, because all of that DNA and those cells have to develop into the correct organ and tissue so that once the baby is born, physically it will be able to handle breathing on it's own, eating, feeling, communicating.  It takes nine months to develop so that it can begin to survive in the physical world.  Well, what if, once we're born, we all have our lifetimes to experience  the good and bad, that are necessary to help our spirits develop into strong, healthy souls so that once we are through here, we will be developed enough to survive 'there'.  The teachings of love your enemy, forgive, tithe, patience, the list is endless, are all difficult to do, but when you practice those behaviors, you do feel different-stronger-on the inside.  Even if you're exhausted from the pain and sadness, there is a difference inside. 

Why a child dies or an innocent person is murdered makes no sense to me  (Lean not on your own understanding). A lot of the time I do lean on my own understanding. Life seems more dark when I do that.  I have experiences with people and events that cause such resentment in me (Forgive). If I don't forgive, I feel cloaked from God.  When I 'let it go' my heart feels lighter. 

I tried to explain this to my mom in the hospital room.  I suggested to her that all that she had gone through, all of the choices she made, though hard, had made her a strong person and my role-model. What an example she had been to those children she so enthusiastically opened new worlds to with her books.  She didn't drag along resentment and anger at her condition. She fought through it, continued to love God, and moved forward.  She was feeling tired in that hospital bed but after we talked, she laid the magazine on her lap, smiled and said that she'd never thought of it that way. I kissed her and we went back to picking colors.

Whether that is really how it all works I'm sure I'll never know, but looking at it that way helps me to find a good purpose to all of the tragedy that occurs that, if I allowed it, would surely consume and bury me.