I had a talk with my daughter two days ago. She is still drinking but this was in between. I am finding that I can start out calm, but the more we talk the more my emotions start pushing through and I get revved up inside and then pretty soon, the gate I've trapped my emotions behind breaks open and all of those tangled emotions come racing through and then I'm either threatening, pleading or yelling and it gets ugly. This was a calm moment. We were talking about all of the therapy and places she's been to find help. Actually, I don't think she took it seriously most of the time, but there were some moments that she latched onto and was able to glean some help. However, when we talk, all she ever concentrates on is the negative. The bad counselor, or nurse, or food, or just in general the lack of professionalism and sincerity. But there have been a person here or there that was excellent and that she learned from. So, talking to her about all of this, it finally hit me. In all of our conversations, that's all she ever focuses on--the bad parts. That focus makes those bad parts grow big and strong and they over shadow the moment of good. So, I asked her why is she always focusing on and growing the negative? Why can't she keep bringing up the moment of good and grow that in her mind? Focus on that experience and let the negative, no matter how much it was, begin to fade away. Bury the bad and grow the good. She didn't have an answer. So, I left the room because I could feel my insides begining to rev up.
I was at work, yesterday, and in the office there are two secretaries. Both kind, professional, caring, funny, good women. In fact, sometimes I go to the office just to spend a few minutes talking with them because they are so nice to be around. There were other people in the office and the secretaries were looking a little stunned (that's the best word that fits). I asked them if everything was okay. It turns out that a parent had called and yelled at them on the phone. The parent was taking out their frustrations on them. The parent made them feel as though they were cruel and thoughtless. I know this parent. This parent has issues and is often ready to blame others. The parent even told the one secretary (they had passed the phone to each other while they tried to find a principal) that she knew she was only a secretary and that it wasn't her fault, but then continued telling her how unprofessional she was. I told them both that they shouldn't let her words bother them. That it was one person, who by the way was not stellar as a parent herself. I reminded them of how wonderful they were. Even though they said it didn't bother them, periodically, as I was taking paperwork to the office (we are finishing up the year) I would hear them talking about it with someone else. Regardless of the source, meaning that the parent's words were untrue and not worth remembering, they were focusing on it. I believe it did ruin a lot of the day for them.
When we were at bus duty, one of the teachers was saying that she was worried about one of the students. Alone, he is a good kid. With one set of friends he makes good choices, but he has this other kid he hangs around with and seems to follow him. Of course, this other kid is trouble. The result is that the good kid has been getting into trouble and the source is this other kid he hangs around.
I could go through about a hundred stories about me where I catch myself focusing on the negative and giving the positive very little if any worth. Why? Why is it so difficult to believe and focus on the good? Why is the negative able to grip us so tightly? Why doesn't good have the same strength and lasting hold?
I don't have any answers. This was just an observation, but I thought it was interesting that it didn't just happen here, at home. That it happens a lot with other people, too. The positive is, though, that the conversation with my daughter shined the light on that observation and has made me more aware. So, hopefully, I can apply it to me. More importantly, I hope my daughter can apply it to her.
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