Stuff

Stuff happened, again.  We had that nice vacation over the Fourth of July.  That following Monday, she started to drink, again. Who knows why??  Again, I was at work in the morning and around 11:00 got that sick feeling in my stomach.  I thought, 'No, that can't be what it means.'  When I got home, I noticed the change in her behavior, very slight, but it was there.  I didn't ask anything.  Didn't start to argue.  She eventually, went up stairs and that was the end of it.  I didn't see her all week.  I was more numb than upset. I just felt so 'blank' inside.  

That Tuesday, I came home and did laundry.  Too hot to be outside, so I put the air conditioning on in the living room, so that I could fold clothes.  I decided to watch a movie called Hotel Rwanda.  It was an amazing movie.  True.  The main character was like the Schindler of Rwanda.  I don't know if it was the power and intensity of the movie, the alcohol addiction, the heat, or the new repair that's needed on the back porch, but I just started feeling so exhausted; as if I just got sucked up into a huge plastic bag and all of the oxygen was taken out.  I just felt drained and I said, out loud, "God, I can't do this anymore.  I don't have the energy to pray, or wait, or fight back. I'm so sick of this addiction and what it's doing to all of us!!"  Then, because God is all powerful, I start my theological questioning, like, Does Free Will absolve God from acting proactively?  If our time and His time are not the same, how can we ever expect to have prayers answered when we need them?  Questions like that.  Then, infused with some guilt, I start remembering all of the times I have had prayers answered, even when I haven't prayed for them.  I remember the times that what occurred could have only come from God.  Then I go back and complain about the 'crumbs' of blessings instead of the 'feast' I need.  Then I remember that through all of this, no one has died, or been physically injured by my daughter's decisions at her worst moments.  That is a huge feast to be a part of. 

So, I swung on that pendulum for a while.  When it started to wind down, I found myself, again, just numb-tired and numb.  I was nervous all week.  I never checked on her.  Never opened her door.  I remember, during the summer of hell last year, when I did call the ambulance and police and other organizations that are there to help, to the house, no one would take her.  The ambulance wouldn't take her to the hospital because they said without her consent, it's kidnapping.  The police said that, "It's not illegal to drink and pass out in your house, no matter how much, if you're of age."  I even tried to 302 her once, but they couldn't do that because it was alcohol related.  That was last summer.  I called all of those people because my son and ex said that was what I should do.  All that did, in the end, was make me uncomfortable.  I work in a small community where the police I called to my house, who didn't know me before, now see me at work when they come to school to talk to the kids or do community out-reach.  It is hard to hold your head up, sometimes. 

Anyway, at one point last week, my daughter sat at the top of the stairs and called to me. I walked to the bottom of the stairs.  "What?"  "I heard on the radio that the Aurora Borealis is going to be as far south as Florida tonight." "What!?" (She has always wanted to go and see them, in fact, we were planning a trip at one point, but the addiction got in the way).  She repeated what she had said.  "I don't give a s*** about the Aurora Borealis!  I don't care about anything!  Why the **** did you start drinking, again!!?  I'm so sick of this addiction!!!  If you hadn't started drinking, again, we could have taken a long weekend further north to try an see them!  Stop talking to me, I don't care about anything anymore!!"   I was a crazy woman for a few seconds. I don't normally swear.  I'm normally calm and even tempered.  In the past, I would have jumped on that opportunity to be encouraging and patient. Walking on egg shells in what I said so that I wouldn't say something that would make things worse.  Not then, I was screaming. I was stomping all over the egg shells.  After I was done, my initial reaction was to look around the room.  Thank goodness, it was so hot and the windows were closed.  I was safe from the neighbor's ears.  I heard her begin to sob as the bedroom door closed.  I felt a little guilty for yelling, but surprisingly, the guilt subsided rather quickly.  So, until a few days ago, I have been feeling very little and being exhausted.  She has stopped drinking, again.  We did have as talk that she initiated this time.  She asked for help, first, before I offered any.  I have been knocked down a few rungs on my hope ladder.  (If I lean back far enough, I can touch bottom.  That's probably not good, but it's where I'm at). 

Anyway, that's what happened.  I went to work in the morning like nothing happened.  Came home and moved about like a shadow.  I'm not 'all better' but I am less exhausted.  I'm going to write, today, in a journal I've started. Something new.  Do some yard work.  I started doing yoga, too.  It's a beginner's CD.  My daughter said she wanted to try it, too.  So, that's a good first step-- us and the TV.  I'm not brave enough to be in a group, yet.

Also, the recent events in Colorado are heartbreaking.  Praying that the families involved find some kind of resolution and peace.