My Steps

I'm not out of my slump.  I am too tired to try and be positive.  Though, this summer is better than last, my mind (those memories) keep wanting to revisit those feelings and fears.  I don't know why.  Is it better to face your fears; get them out in the open, turn them around, crumble them up and then toss them?  Or should they stay buried--out of sight out of mind?  I don't know anymore.  I have read and heard that this life experience with addiction is like a death of sorts.  I've read that the five steps of grieving is a process some may go through.  I looked into it.  I read them.  I found another professional who feels there are seven steps (they seem to be the five steps with additions).  I didn't really go through the steps when my mom died.  I never bargained.  I wasn't in denial.  I was and am still just so sad about it.  So that I don't get too overwhelmingly sad, I tuck those thoughts and feelings away in a place in my mind.  I know they're there.  I have no way of getting rid of them, but avoiding them allows me to function, so they are buried. (I guess I just answered my own question)

The standard stages of grief don't seem to work for how I've been effected by this addiction assault, either.  Always trying to understand the whys and hows, I thought through what I went and am going through and came up with my own 13 steps of the assaults of addiction.  I envisioned the steps as a ladder, where I started at the top, and with each step I move down a rung, ending with my feet planted on the ground, looking up.

The first step is Oblivion.  This is the time you are at the top of the ladder living a life you perceive as good.  Though life has it's ups and downs, you see your children as on track-healthy and present in their lives. You are oblivious to what's going on in their minds and what is beginning to surface in their actions.  (For me, this is when she was in high school, active in sports and her academics.  What I saw as her dedication was really the early stages of her obsession).

The second step is Confused Shock and Disbelief.  This is when something happens and you see the darkness, but only for a split second because the complete picture and corresponding ramifications are too foreign and horrible for your brain to comprehend.  This stage is fleeting because you so want your life back to normal, that you accept any and all explanations.  (For me when her eating disorder was budding, my son had heard her in the bathroom, and came and told me.  I confronted her asking her if she was sick.  She admitted to throwing up but assured me it was only that time and she wasn't ever going to do that, again.  What a relief it was to hear that!  The drinking was more insidious because everyone drinks in college, so her reassurance that she only drank with friends seemed true to me, so, I accepted it.)

The third step is Naive Trust.  After you begin to see signs, but aren't savvy enough to know something is not right (or aren't ready to admit it to yourself) you trust what they say: 'Everything's going to be okay.'

The fourth step is Confused Realization.  This is when you finally begin thinking in ways you've never thought before.  This is when you realize a life you've never considered or imagined could very possibly be overlapping and seeping into your own life.  This is when you start researching the topics.  You still keep things to yourself, but the dialogue has begun with yourself.  You start questioning and reviewing.  Your senses start be become more refined.  You start looking for behaviors that don't make sense or seem a little odd.

The fifth step is Tempered Trust.  Though you're still not completely sold anymore, the thought of this life style choice by your child (or loved one) is still too difficult to comprehend.  Your senses continue to be refined (mostly because they've become raw by this time) you still look for behaviors that are out of place, but you also want to believe your child, so you cautiously trust them.

The sixth step is Panic and Confusion.  This is when, after repeated situations, you finally realize that something is terribly wrong. You almost fall totally off of the ladder but manage to hold on, hooked by the elbows.  This rung takes awhile to let go of, because fear is a mighty force.  Since panic and confusion are two of Fear's most powerful tools, it takes a while for your thinking to get caught up to speed.

The seventh step is Anger.  Sometimes, it might boarder on rage. This is when you start reflecting--kind of rewinding your thinking in quick spurts--realizing what is being lost or put on hold.  The anger gets directed at God, the situation and sadly, the child. This anger, though, forces you to research more and to seek out help.  This anger can bring clarity to your thinking, like a huge wind storm, it can clear your thinking out.

The eighth step is Resentment.  After the anger storm dies down, the sadness sets in and resentment is a companion of sadness, so they take up residence for a while.  You resent choices, decisions, other people and their 'perfect' lives.  It is a very bitter tasting rung.

The ninth step is Sadness.  Resentment moves over and sadness becomes the main focus.  Sad for the same reasons you're resenting things.  The sadness, though, is more of a smothering feeling where as the resentment was more biting. 

The tenth step is Emptiness.  This feeling can be overwhelming.  Help hasn't worked as fast as you'd hoped.  You feel alone. Your life is feeling overwhelming. Your loved one is still 'lost.' This is a horrible rung to stay on.

The eleventh step is Exhaustion.  Fortunately (for lack of a better word), the exhaustion stage takes over the emptiness stage, so you can let go of the tenth rung and fall to the eleventh.  It's hard to hold on there, because everything is too exhausting.  It's too exhausting to think, pretend your life is okay, hope, function. 

The twelfth step is Resolve.  You become so tired, and tired doesn't feel good after awhile, so you begin thinking that, 'this is it.'  My dad used to listen to a female singer, Peggy something (truly, I never liked the song) but it applies here.  In the chorus she sings, "Is that all there is?"  On the twelfth stage, you resolve that yes, this is all there is, so work with it.  In the song, after she asks, "Is that all there is?"  She sings, "then lets keeps dancing," so use that advice--start dancing to a tune you can work with.  Get healthy, appreciate your family and friends, love your child (or husband, wife) with the addiction and get back to living your life. 

The thirteenth step is Guilt.  I put it as the thirteenth because you experience it at every level and even when you have your life ordered, it still makes an appearance.  In your quiet times, when you see a young mother and child, when you hear a song from the past, guilt creeps in. Didn't I bake enough cookies?  Go to enough games?  Read enough bedtime stories?  The list is endless.  I don't really know if it ever leaves, it may just get quieter.  But as the bottom rung, it's easy to step on it, occasionally.  A precaution, though, if you revisit this step for too long, it may motivate you to begin climbing back up the ladder, and the goal is to get off and stay off of the ladder.

So, those are the steps--the rungs--of the ladder.  When you step off of the thirteenth's you are on the ground, looking up.  You can see where you've come from.  You're in a perfect stance for prayer and, you're able to take a rest, use the knowledge you've gained, find a new direction, and begin moving forward, again. 

I'm not off of the ladder, yet, I still hold on, not wanting to let go, for reasons I'm still not sure of.  But, I'm working on it.