I am trying to sort out my experiences and thoughts to better understand how to move forward and not stay stuck in the past.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Another Fence

I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting in a while.  The people were nice, but there were some issues that came up that I had a hard time connecting with. The last was when the group leader said that they had received a notice from Al-Anon Central (I forget what she called the place/person) that groups were no longer to say 'God' as the Higher Power. They were to just say Higher Power.  This was a small group, and she looked around and said, "I'm not sure I agree with that. Does everyone in here believe in God?  Is God your Higher Power?"  We all nodded, so we silently agreed that God was going to stay on as the Higher Power.  The Higher Power as being 'anything' has always been an issue for me.  I had always assumed it meant God. My friend, the one who motivated me to go to Al-Anon, clarified to me that no, it can be anything.  "A tea cup?"  "Yep, it if that is what the person chooses."  I didn't like that.  If a tea cup can represent the Higher Power, and I'm pretty sure the consensus would be that tea cups have little power when it comes to spiritual assistance, then the person is doing recovery on their own.  Giving it over to a Higher Power implies, or at least it did with me, God: some being greater than you. God is all powerful.  A tea cup is not. I know God can work through anyone and anything, however, giving the glory to a tea cup rubs me the wrong way.  So, at the meetings, it was a mental obstacle for me, even though we agreed to stick with God, that this group was directed to take a fundamental belief, God, out of the wording was troublesome to me.

The other issue that started as a comment, but has grown into a blaring, neon sign, is the matter of trust.  Several of the people in the group I went to had husbands that were alcoholics.  They stayed with them, because basically, I guess the husbands were still able to work, and so, they needed the pay checks.  However, they are not so 'understanding' with their children.  Most said that they would be 'kicked out' if they drank.  One women kicked her son out to the house next door that she bought and owns.  So, is he really kicked out?  Though judgement is supposed to be put on hold, with some of the people at the meetings, their suggestions and comments to me about my daughter, felt quietly judgmental. "You need to kick her out." "No, I don't.  You didn't kick you husband out."  "But you're just prolonging her addiction."  "Really?  I thought you said that they'll drink no matter what, so according to that, I have no control one way or the other."  "You haven't let her hit bottom."  "A DUI, wrecked car, loss of friends, and a laundry list of about seven more tragedies, feels like some kind of bottom.  What was the bottom with your husband?"  Conversations like that happened, though they were not confrontational (reading this may seem as though they were, but I'm not confrontational by nature, so my responses are not threatening in real life...my thoughts might be, though).  Then the topic of trust came up.  "You can never trust an addict."  "Really?  Never?"   "No, they lie."   "Well, what if they are sober for a while, can you start to trust them, then?"  "Addicts will tell you anything to get their drug of choice. They lie."   "So, I can never trust my daughter, again?  But haven't we all lied at various times?  Is anyone really the weight on their driver's licences?"  "Yes, people lie, but addicts are different."  So, even with their husbands sober for 12, or 30 years, they don't really trust them.  Really?

That was all very distressing for me.  Trust is so important for me, and to think I can never trust my child, is well, crushing.  So, although the people were very kind and listened sincerely, there were some beliefs that clash with who I am.  Al-Anon is good for reminding me about the boundaries. I had them in my life in other places, just not with this new experience of addiction.  Al-Anon is great for helping you to not feel or be alone.  Discussion is good. Hearing other experiences and resolutions is good.  Some of those core issues, though, for me have caused me to set up a  new fence.  I'm not saying I'll never go back.  I'm on hiatus, though, and turning to books.  I'm going to read for awhile. I think you have to be strong to go to Al-Anon, and I'm not feeling very strong. Battling the situation at home, while pretending things are great when I'm in public,  takes a lot out of me.  I haven't given up on praying for miracles, though...for all of us.

5 comments:

  1. Gosh there is so much here I would love to discuss with you just so you would know that you aren't alone in your questions and your apprehensions. I wish we could just sit and "do coffee." :o)

    I think it is fair to say that Alanon is not for everyone. While there are many wonderful principles of the program....there are also "no musts" in Alanon. I think like in church...*people* come in and begin sharing about the program/religion from *their* understanding and it ends up being a message that was never intended. People come in and take over and mess things up!

    Alanon is a program of *self discovery.* Not someone else telling you what you should do. I believe when and if you decide you need to ask your daughter to leave, God will be speaking to your heart that this is a necessary step and His grace will be provided to both you and your daughter. That doesn't mean it will ever be easy, but it means you will be able to rest in your HP, God, knowing that He has it all under control.

    I think eventually we all get to a place where we are forced to make some tough decisions. But you will know when and what you need to do when the time is right.

    There is a lot of wisdom in the rooms of Alanon. Take what you like and leave the rest.

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  2. Hi Signe!
    First, I thought that "cross-talk" isn't allowed in meetings...so when someone bares their soul and shares - people are supposed to listen but not comment. That way there are no judgements. I guess all meetings are run differently.

    Second, have you looked into Celebrate Recovery? It is Christian based and perhaps you will have better success there. http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

    I tried so many groups and different meetings looking for one where I fit in...

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  3. Annette, 'Take what you like and leave the rest.' I like that, and I think that is what I will stick to if I return. I am usually drinking coffee when I'm writing here, so we're kind of 'doing coffee' I like the thought, though. :) Dee, this group was small. I think there were five of us who were there consistently, and then five who came and went. I think maybe such a small group may make people feel more 'comfortable' and not so anonymous. They were kind and good intentioned, but some issues didn't make sense to me. I did go to a Celebrate Recovery group at my church. The had a lot of persons with addictions, but only two (me included in that) family members, so, we didn't meet. I'm not sure why that was, either, but I have thought about going back. Bad thing about it was, though, the meetings started at 7 and lasted until 9. My bedtime during school is 8 :/ (I know, I'm kind of a loser). I think during summer, I may revisit it. I did like it. Thanks to both of you for your advice. It really helps.

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  4. There are Alanon meetings that are unhealthy. It sounds like your little meeting might be one of them. The whole premise of Alanon is that no one tells you what to do! lol You figure it out for yourself using the tools of the program that work for you. With that said, would you be willing to try a different meeting? The only reason I suggest that is because this journey is too hard to do alone.

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  5. Yes, that one was Sat. night. There is one on Tues. night that I went to once, and I liked it but had to quit because I was teaching a class on those nights. I do think I might visit that one, again.

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