Locks and Keys

I know I've written this here before, but I'm going to probably mention it a lot when I write, because it is in my mind all of the time. God.  I believe in God and miracles.  I believe all of it. If God felt it necessary for me to move a mountain, a real, dirt and rock mountain, I would be able to move it. That's how powerful I know God can be. I also know He can be powerful in the other, quiet direction. I pray every morning. I pray in the car. I pray in the garden. I pray when I'm folding clothes. Not always long prayers, but thank yous and questions.  I am just talking with God all of the time. Having said that, sometimes I need a break.  I took a break, today.  I didn't go to church. I didn't pray in the morning. I just sat quietly on the couch and watched the clock, trying to make wasting time an excuse for missing church.  I know there's going to be smiling faces, encouragement, beautiful music, and an amazing lesson, but I stayed home. 

I needed a break because things aren't working out here.  I don't feel prayers are being answered fast enough.  I go through this cycle.  If God's not on our clock, then what's the point in praying?  If He already knows your heart, why pray?  I know the answers to these questions, but I still ask them.  Mostly, because I'm pouting and being frustrated with God.  I am playing that old, crackly song, "Why Me, God?  What Did I Do Wrong?"  in my head.  I know the lyrics by heart, and sometimes I add new ones.  I get tired of hearing the song, but I play it, anyway.  I get so frustrated.  I play this song, knowing that I have experienced God's hand pulling us out of tragedies, or preventing them all together.  I played the song today, because there have been no miracles in my daughter's thinking, yet. 

It was good here for a while, now it's not good.  We talked today, and I felt scared because she didn't want to talk and seemed so distant.  I think it is important for her to talk.  To get out of the past. I need to get out of the past, too.  I thought about that on the couch.  And then I thought, "How can I get out of the past, when the past won't let me leave?"  I think that's where she is stuck, too.  So, on the couch, in the quiet, pouting and sad, I thought about ways to get out of the past.  What holds me there?  Resentment; What could have been.  Sadness.  Fatigue; It's hard moving forward at times. Anger; Why did this have to happen?  Jealousy; I see how friend's children are moving forward and I fall back to resentment.  Those are the locks on the door to my past.   There are days when I think I have the keys that fit, but though the key goes in, for some reason, they don't turn, so that I can open that door and finally leave.  I sat on the couch for about an hour, trying to figure out where to find the keys. I know God has them somewhere, hidden in a passage or waiting to be spoken by someone.  So, I try to pay attention when I read or when I listen to people.  I went back to talk to my daughter later in the afternoon.  She was still sad, but I stayed and we talked.  Things felt a little better. She is going to try, again.  That might be the start of a miracle, I think.

The weather was beautiful here, today.  Like Spring.  I opened all of the windows. The fresh air smelled wonderful.  I worked outside. I cleared my head.  I'm going to pray, again, in the morning.  I'm going get a good night's sleep so that I can move forward and keep an eye out for those keys.