I'm struggling. I'm trying to find God in all of this. Almost a month of sobriety, and bam, we're back, again, to drinking. I don't get it. I know all about free will, but a toddler has free will and I wouldn't let them walk across the street alone, or drive a car. Even though their free will was telling them that is what they wanted to do. So, why, then does God, who could pull my daughter and everyone else's child away from the terrible rush hour of addiction, as they run headlong (head strong) into on coming traffic, allow them to continue that stupid, harmful choice? Why can't He pull them back? Scold them, and put them in the time out chair to help them rethink their choices? When you think about it, in the big picture of us and God, we are infants-teenagers at best-in this spiritual family we are a part of. God the head of the family. The Holy Spirit like a loving mother. Our amazing and loving big brother, Jesus. Who wouldn't want to belong to that family? Then why this feeling of such abandonment?
I don't get it. I sound like the whinny kid sister. Maybe. But tell me where my logic is wrong. So, feeling once, again, that I've missed something, some spiritual clue, I'm racking my brain, again--what did I do wrong??? What is the key to this mystery? I feel like a spiritual archaeologist, trying to dig up clues as to how this all works. I just don't get it.
I give spelling tests on Fridays. One of my students (a fourth grader) was upset that he missed a word. He still got an A, but was upset that it wasn't a perfect score. He was getting so frustrated. I was patiently telling him that he did extremely well. Top speller. He couldn't be consoled. He was quiet for a minute, and then he looked at me, gritted this teeth, and said, "I want a do-over." I couldn't help but smile. "Sweety, we don't have do-overs for spelling tests, especially when your score is so good." (Teeth gritted, and cheeks getting red) "I want a do-over." It took several minutes before I could convince him, and he could accept that his score was wonderful. He took a deep breath, exhaled, and with pursed lips, he nodded and walked away. On my way home, I was reviewing the day, and thought of him, and I understood how he felt. I don't feel my score is that good.
I want a do-over, too.
I know that you are a woman of faith, so I feel I can share this with you. I think of the suffering of Christ on the cross, the suffering of Job, the suffering of Christians through out history and I think of what was accomplished through that suffering. God uses all things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. Romans 8:28. We don't understand what God's plan....but that is where faith and trust come in. And please believe me when I say this is not just rhetoric to me...this is what I have to base my life on every single day.
ReplyDeleteAnnette, you have the same calm, assured trust in God that a friend of mine has. I can't tell you how much I admire it (I won't say envy because that's not a good emotion...but it's close to that!) Anyway, as with you, I leave a conversation with her feeling refreshed and awed. Then, I return to my life, and right away, feel that I've received the wrong directions, because what is apparently working with others, I can't seem to get to work. It sounds like a pity part, I know, but truly it isn't. I couldn't be more clear-headed. But I am trying, and believe me when I say, I so appreciate what you have written to me. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWe are sent here away from God's presence to grow and learn. We face trials, temptations, doubts, fears, etc. These things are supposed to build our moral character. God gives us the agency to make choices and we reap the consequences of our choices. For most of us, those consequences cause us to become better. Of course the almighty God could send down legions of angels to take away our pain and suffering if He chose to. But then that would defeat the purpose of this life, this time away from Him, learning and growing without being in His presence. Living by faith. If He takes away our trials, He is defeating His own purpose which is to let us grow. That's what I believe.
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