The Spot on My Faith

Another crazy day, yesterday.  My daughter said that she was going to go to a rehab facility about 4 hours from here.  She had to be at the office to catch the van at 11:30 am.  I left work during my prep (thanking God for such a compassionate and understanding boss) to drive her there.  On the way over here I was praying, praying, praying.  When I got here, she was asleep on the couch.  I woke her and she said she wasn't going to go.  Long story short, a big fight, verbally and physically (pushing each other, grabbing, pulling hair) I called the counselor, and told her to forget it.  She said, "You're dealing with the disease now, not your daughter...it's a process, not progress." (or something like that).  She said we'd try again, later.  After all of that, I splashed some water on my face, brushed my hair and went back to work.  (Insanity).  And on the way, asked God why He didn't intervene.

Last night, I was lying in bed thinking about all of this.  For a few weeks there, I did have some calm.  I can feel the rage bubbling back, again, though.  But I do have faith that God is in control, and could work miracles...all of it.  But this doubt pushes in, and I say, "But if You were a loving God, You wouldn't allow all of this bad to happen."  It is hard to block out that other voice, especially when things are so bad.  Then I thought about this TV commercial I saw once.  I think it was about some laundry detergent, because the person had on a clean shirt, but there was a spot.  When he was talking to another person, that other person didn't hear what the person with the spot on his shirt was saying, he only 'heard' the spot."  It was funny, but is a good metaphor for my faith, I think.  Each day, I wake up wrapped in clean, fresh Faith.  Except, I look down, and once the day has started, I see a spot, and that spot all day long is 'talking.' So, when something frustrating happens, I don't feel covered anymore, I hear, "If God really loved you He wouldn't let this happen."  or "It works for everyone else, but you." or "You're always going to be on the outside, God's never going to invite you in."  Thoughts like that.  And so, I end the day feeling spotted, and not crisp. 

I know life was never promised to be fair, or safe, or even happy.  But I can't help but fall back to that thinking (and I do feel as though I'm 10 years old, pouting in my room).  God is in control of everything.  Our family has committed themselves to God, and yet here we are in this damp,  dirty laundry room, dark and musty with resentments,  spotted with lost hope, and chest crushing sadness.  As always, I will try to wash something today, but what I really need is a good spot remover.