I'm so exhausted by these up and downs. After drinking for 4 days last weekend (the Labor Day weekend) my daughter woke up Tuesday morning, and told me she needed help and wanted to withdraw from school, because she couldn't do this, anymore. Second time she announced this, first time she admitted she couldn't go on with school until she got help. Kids weren't in class, so we had a longer lunch. I told her I would come home on the lunch break, take her to school to withdraw (ironically, Sept. 6th was the last day to do this). So, she was ready when I got home, and we left, she filled out the papers, I brought her back home, and she said she would call this rehab place to ask for inpatient services. She made the calls.
Summing up the week: She was recovering from the drinking and not eating for 4 days, it is a slow process, but by Friday (2 days, ago) she was feeling better. She had called the place, and because she had been sober for 5 days, they didn't think she needed inpatient. SHE DOES! But they made a call, and they were going to take her on Sat. morning (Thank you, God) but then someone called back and said that she had to call Monday (tomorrow) to see if her insurance from school, that she just withdrew from, would still accept this treatment. So, yesterday morning, she said that she wanted to drink. Did we argue, YES. Did I lose the calm I have been cultivating? YES. She bought alcohol, but assured me that she was still going to call Monday. It is so hard to get help. It is such a fragile existence. I'm so tired and dizzy with this.
My horrible thoughts: Last weekend there was a concert here, I think it was Journey, and a friend of mine's daughter was killed in a car accident on her way there. She was the same age as my daughter, a full life ahead of her. She had just begun a job as an occupational therapist. And now she's gone. In funeral home, as I looked at her lying there, it could have been my daughter. I cried on the drive home. And then there's my daughter, caught in his Titanic of a life situation, slowly sinking, throwing out all of her gifts. I feel as though I come home to a funeral home. I feel as though two precious lives have been taken, one quickly and one slowly. How do you cope with the walking dead? I know God is there, and I pray all of the time. But if His time is not our time, then what time is there?
I have a headache, thinking and living this.
We just don't know what the struggles our kids go through will accomplish in them. I guess I live my days with a faith that if my daughter doesn't die in this disease, she *will* find her way out one day and because of the core of who she is, the good and the bad, she has a lot to offer. Compassion, humility, understanding, empathy, common sense, lessons learned from rough experiences, grace... that is what I see in her, even through her disease.
ReplyDeleteThe bottom line though, is that it is her journey and I am powerless over the timetable of when change takes place. So with that in mind, I detach from her with love, I let her make her choices and act on them...or not, and I mind my own business unless I am invited to share my thoughts.
How old is your daughter? I am assuming she unenrolled from college. In order to take care of yourself, maybe she won't be able to live with you if she doesn't make some changes. Its ok for you to set limits and boundaries but you have to be ready to carry through with the consequence. Is drinking allowed in your home? Is she old enough to legally drink anywhere? Even if she is old enough, its your home, your rules.
Annette, again, thank you for your wisdom. My daughter is 26. She was in graduate school, and now since she withdrew, she thinks her life is over...at 26!!! Since all of this has started, I don't drink anymore (I never really drank, before. I don't like the feeling of not being in control of my thinking) I have only been in AlAnon for a few months, and have set boundaries, but still can't kick her out, so if and when she drinks, she cloisters herself in her room. She does pay rent, and help out, and was living here because of expenses for school. Prior to this summer, it wasn't good, but not this bad. I think she was a binge drinker, and mostly on the weekends, sobering up before classes. This summer, though, it has been a steady decline. My attitude is changing (for the better most days) but I still slip into such uncomfortable anger, that I have to remove myself,even if it is to go and sit in the car for a few minutes. How awful it is to watch a child go through this...as with any disease, I guess.
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