Egg Shells

My computer problems are finally over. My son graciously bought me a new one--something about a mother board not functioning. I probably should know more about the computers I use, but sometimes it's like if I have to think of one more thing I might have my own mother board meltdown.  So, if he is content to help with that part of my life, I am content to let him. 

I get like that sometimes, that I have so much that I have to do or remember that just picking up a dog toy and throwing it back into the toy basket is just too much work, so I let it lay there. 

It is like that with this addiction issue.  We are having some good days and some bad.  It is getting like that dog toy, though.  I just don't want to talk about it, deal with it, or live with it anymore.  I am content to just walk past it and leave it.  I am not ready to kick her out, but I am beginning to whittle off more of my enabling, for lack of a better word.  I've written about it before, but I've reached the point where I don't really care what the reason was for buying alcohol, because at this point in the game, all of the reasons sound so lame.  She's upset with her dad.  So what?  Who hasn't been?  She's shy.  So what, who hasn't been at one time or another?  She feels guilty wasting her gifts.  So STOP drinking.  She doesn't have any friends.  So make some.  Blah, blah, blah is what it is all sounding like to me.  I don't mean to sound uncaring or insensitive.  People who are hurting is a serious issue.  Having said that, if I cut my finger, I would get a bandage so that it could heal.  I wouldn't pour poison all over it and take a nap thinking everything would be better when I woke up.

The one issue that still robs me of my freedom in this situation is the emotional issue.  What I just wrote up there, I haven't said bluntly to her.  I dance around the emotions.  I'm still walking on egg shells where the emotions are concerned.  I don't say what I really mean fearing that she will get upset or sad or mad and go drink.  Has my waking on egg shells ever prevented the drinking?  No.  But somewhere in my brain, I haven't yet been able to fully live the fact that I can't control some one's emotions let alone their actions.  All change comes from within and for me to still be walking on egg shells means that I am still in the grips of enabling even with all of the positive realizations and changes I have been able to make in my life.

Emotions are draining. I work with children who have emotional issues.  Trying to figure out why they do what they do is exhausting.  There have been days when I needed to go to the grocery store after work and I was so mentally exhausted that I actually tossed around the idea of just sitting in a corner and closing my eyes for a few minutes.  Now, I would never do it, but for a few seconds the idea sounded comforting.  So, I had to make some changes at work as to how I worked with those students.  Ironically, my experience with addiction and everything I've read and lived through has helped me distance myself from their emotions.  It has really been helpful. I can clarify their issues better and give them the tools to be more accountable, and it has been successful.  I don't walk on egg shells there.  I still do at home, though.  The final frontier. 

Well, that is the issue that I have been addressing, here.  I feel as though I've been rambling but it feels so good to write about it, I think I just needed to get it all out.