Life feels as though it is in a transition stage. I have been going through some internal readjusting that in turn is effecting my 'outer world.' Though there are a lot of issues I want to write about, I just don't have that mental 'umph' yet. I feel quiet and observant, but not motivated to 'move', yet. After writing about egg shells, I stopped walking on them and talked with my daughter. I expressed everything I was feeling, even the feeling of walking on egg shells. It was done in love but spoken with determination. It was good to discuss this with her. It feels so much healthier having it all out and everyone understanding what everyone is thinking/feeling.
Something interesting happened at work, yesterday. As I was leaving at the end of the day, two of the principals were in the office as I was checking out. One mentioned to me about a meeting they had attended where addicts were talking about what parents should look for in their children if they suspected drug use. My principal was talking about how manipulative their behaviors were as addicts (these are the persons with addiction talking to the audience describing their own behaviors while in active addiction). Though I don't share my own experiences, I do share what I've learned. Their concern was with a student that I have who's parents are in active addiction. The are concerned about the manipulative behaviors the child is learning. I agreed with how unhealthy it is. What is concerning to me, though, runs a little deeper. Adults who have participated in addiction and all the behaviors associated with active addiction, once they choose sobriety, have the appropriate behaviors to fall back on. Their behaviors prior to addiction. They know right from wrong, etc. Their foundation allows them to see how manipulative they were while in their addiction. Once the choice to pursue sobriety is determined, they have a frame of reference for appropriate behaviors to return to. Children who are growing up with parents in active addiction, though, don't have that same frame of reference. The behaviors they have been learning by watching their parents (who are the foundation of the child's development) are behaviors of a person in addiction--the manipulation, lying, etc. All of the negative behaviors. Those children don't have a more healthy foundation of appropriate behavior reference. Their behavior reference is the reference of behaviors of active addiction. These children have no healthy, moral code to decipher or return to as they move through life.
{This has always been my concern. A lot of times the adults feel sorry for how terrible the child's home life is and so they let them get away with a lot. I agree, many times (and the situations are becoming more frequent) their home lives are terrible. However, feeding into those manipulative behaviors isn't helping the child. It, I believe, hurts the child even more because it reinforces for them the idea that their manipulations does produce desired results. I can't tell you how many times I have diplomatically tried to explain that they are not helping the child by giving in to them. But, most of the time people don't want to hear words that make them uncomfortable}.
Anyway, when I told my principals that, they just stared at me. I don't think they had viewed it from that perspective, before.
Excellent point ! I agree - those kids have abnormal models of experience (or let's say dysfunctional ones) so commonly, that's it's indeed their normal. Another crappy by-product of addiction. ��
ReplyDeleteI agree that children learn what they see at home. However, they also are able to learn NEW behaviors as people recognize what is going on in their lives and provide for them what they aren't getting at home. Call it whatever we want....rescuing, enabling, compassion...as you have read, I was raised by two violent alcoholics and my mom was addicted to prescription pills for a large part of my childhood. That included hospitalizations, at one point, electric shock treatments....so some significant dysfunction. One of the things my mom had going for her was her honest heart. She was the first one to say, "I'm a mess." So in the middle of all of the yuk, I saw that too. Her owning her problems. I know that she isn't the only addict who does that. So my bet is there are some parents in your school who may not be doing a very good job, but they know it, and their kids see that element of their life too. People surrounded me, my "cult" lol and teachers mainly.....but those people taught me how to live. Sure I didn't come out unscathed....as you all know! BUT, I learned that there are ways to improve, ways to heal, ways to figure out how *I* want to live my life.....and its been a lifelong process, again, as you all know.....but I'm ok. I'm as ok as most anyone else. And those kids can recover and be ok too. Do not negate the power of your influence on them though. I would imagine that because of your history and the things you write here tell me this too.....that your compassion and your gentleness is a lifeline to them. Your deep understanding of the bigger picture in their little lives is such a gift. Bless your heart for *seeing* them. And you too Beachie....I know you are the same way.
ReplyDeleteBeach and Annette, I appreciate both of your comments. This is another by-product of addiction. What makes it more difficult is that the solution is often to 'feel sorry' which, I believe, hurts more than helps. It's hard setting boundaries for anyone, but especially when their lives look so helpless. The approach is to introduce healthy boundaries and restitch the moral fabric. It's difficult, though, when administration, other teachers, and yes, even counselors don't see it the same way, mainly because they have not had the experience--they are looking in from the outside with all kinds of judgments that are usually false. Your mom, Annette, had a good foundation regardless of her choices. She had a gentle heart and I think, an honest heart. I am finding most persons with addiction are people who are gentle and insightful. Tender hearted people who get too tender. We're not giving up on anyone. :)
ReplyDeletethank you so much for this impressive post.....
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