Tired, again.

I'm tired. 

I'm tired of a lot of things, but mostly, I'm tired of this addiction thing.

I'm tired of being patient and understanding and sympathetic. 

Those most recent two sober months made me realize how wonderful life can be.  Even when situations aren't perfect, the fact that your children are okay makes any other little pitfall, just that--little. 

We had gotten into such a healthy, good routine.  She was working during the day. In the evening she would exercise and read or watch a favorite show. On the weekends she would run in the mornings and then read.  Later she would help around the house or we'd go shopping or on a little day trip.  I had slowly begun to open those shades that had been making life so dismal here.  I was letting the light of a normal life shine though and it felt so good and warm.

I had (actually we had) also started listening to a pastor on T.V. who I had heard several years ago when I was visiting another state., but only rarely could find him on T.V. here at home.  His name is Joseph Prince. He is from Singapore. His accent is heavy at times, but his message is amazing.  I like how he analyzes the bible and explains the Greek and Hebrew words, the symbolism and connecting the old and new testaments.  He has helped me begin to change my thinking. I credit his teachings with my lack of anger and resentment this go around with her deciding to drink.  I am calmer and not  angry.  Truly, I can't really say what emotion I'm feeling.  I just know what I'm not feeling.

Anger and rage are gone, but I'm still tired of all of this.  I'm even too tired to ask her what caused her decision to drink, this time. 

In the past, some of the reasons she gave for drinking were boredom, stress, anger, feeling lonely, feeling overwhelmed, feeling as though she's wasted time, feeling as though she's ruined everything, feeling, feeling, feeling.

I don't care about the reasons anymore.  At least not today.  Today, if she told me a reason, I would have to tell her that that reason wasn't good enough.  All of those reasons and excuses aren't good enough to rob you of your life. She will tell me that I don't realize how much she's trying.  My answer is try harder.  Is there really a limit to how hard we can try?  I can get tired of trying, but if I'm honest with myself, I can always try harder.  We all can. I want her to.  When it comes down to it, I can't think of one excuse or reason why you can't just keep trying harder and harder.  My thinking is if you can do it for one day, you can do it for another day.  If you can do it for two months, you can do it for two months and a day.  I have heard from several counselors that there will be set backs.  As if giving her permission to slip up.  I didn't like that idea then and I don't like it now.  I decline the permission to slip up.

I get that alcohol is everywhere. You can't turn on the T.V. or watch a movie where alcohol isn't involved.  There are commercials about alcohol.  What do you do when you go out?  Go drinking.  I get it's everywhere.  So what?  So are cakes and donuts and cheesecake, but I'm not eating those every chance I get.

Is it unfair that she can't drink?  Maybe.  But a lot of things aren't fair and life is still good.  It is what you make it.  Attitude is everything.  Grow up.  Just stop it already.  That's what I want to say, but I won't.  Mostly, because right now I'm just too tired.