A Winner

I am a different person than I was six (really, six?) yes, six years ago.  I know I would be a different person, anyway, we all grow and change, but with this experience, I have been on the fast track to change.  Sometimes that change felt like something I initiated.  A lot of the time that changing felt so unnatural for me that I couldn't help but fight it every step of the way.  I have analyzed myself and our situation here until everything is now starting to look unfamiliar and new all at the same time.

There are days that I am so happy and hopeful on the inside that if feels as though I'm glowing.  I really feel radiant on those days.  I'm not sure why I feel like that because the world around me hasn't really changed much...I guess it's the world within me that has been changing.  Then there are the days that I have felt so alone and lost that I can barely make it out of bed.  That every movement I make is like lifting a five hundred pound weight.  On those days, I used to almost find comfort in wrapping myself in my anger and resentment.  In fact, I think that when those days passed, I was mentally tenderly folding that 'blanket' and tucking it away, though not too far away, because it was becoming too comfortable for me to feel angry.  Almost as if I were secretly, though never actually admitting it to myself, looking forward to that angry, pouting nest I was feathering and keeping warm with that blanket of anger.  Thankfully, I have thrown out that blanket. 

I have been faithfully trying to live as 'me.'  I have taken that challenge seriously and am finding that I'm enjoying life more.  I am not a loud person or an 'in your face' person, but I have made a conscience effort to say what I'm thinking.  For instance, when we were on strike, there was a union member who felt that his fifteen minutes of power entitled him to dictate how long, when and where people walked the picket line. He followed us when we took breaks.  He was annoying and a little creepy. He was being a bully.  A lot of us complained about it to each other.  Now, I don't like confrontation but if I'm confronted, I don't have any problem speaking my mind.  In this case, I decided to do the confronting.  It was kind of funny.  We were talking about it and I said I was going to say something and my group of friends were like, "Really?  What if he says something?"  "Then I'll say something back."  I didn't yell or say anything hurtful,(okay I may have had a butterfly or two) but I just confronted him on his behavior.  I was direct, said my peace and walked way.  And the bully wouldn't even look directly at me when I was talking to him.  He also stopped following us. I felt energized.  I didn't hold back.  It was a small step that I have advanced into a comfortable walk. Ironically, I find myself calmer inside. 

Learning to be comfortable with me is oddly a new experience for me. I really never took the time to notice all of the opportunities that I let pass buy because I held back.  I am committed to not doing that anymore.  It's ironic to me that the experience of a strike--fighting for a cause--helped me to stand up for my own inner cause, and I won.