My Titanic

I don't know why I thought of it, but once this idea popped into my head, I have been thinking about it a lot. 

I have watched the movie Titanic several times.  I was going through the divorce when I saw it the first time.  Emotions help you to remember events, so maybe that's why this movie impressed me so much. I was a passengar on my own Titanic, at the time.  I have watched it when it comes on TV and I have the video of it.  It's not even one of my favorite movies, but when the opportunity arises, I watch it.  Now, though, I only watch it until they hit the iceberg.  How horrible it would have been to be in that dark, icy water. How awful the panic would have been once they realized what was going to happen.  Anyway, when I watch it, I know it's a movie.  I know what's going to happen.  Having said all of that, for just a second in my mind, right before they spot the iceberg, my mind thinks, "Turn sooner this time."  Silly, I know, but just for a second I hope that the ending will change, but it doesn't.  It's a movie.  It's history.

I realized I do that a lot when I think about past events.  I think about it. Relive the feelings and emotions.  Think of how I could have done things differently. Wonder what it would have been like with a different outcome. But in the end, the past stays the same.  Thinking about it, wishing for a different outcome, just gets me back swirling in those feelings, reliving the emotions, then finding myself floating back here in real time feeling worse about life in general. 

If I don't visit the past, my present and future don't seem so scary.  It's when I decide to let my mind wander back to the land of, 'What if?" that I begin to not appreciate what I have, or to resent, or regret what's happened. Even though I've learned a lot and have grown, diving back into those memories only makes me shiver and feel alone. When I'm active in my present, I don't really think the same way. I am more positive when I don't turn back to see what has been left behind. 

I don't think we are supposed to keep turning back to the past.  It's not going to change, ever, and it deprives us of moving forward.  Isn't that what happened to Lot's wife in the bible?  The angel commanded them not to look back, but she did and turned into a pillar of salt.  Don't look back.  Learn from past mistakes, but don't take up residency there.  It's over. Done. You've been rescued from your past, move forward to the future.  In Titanic, Rose, once she's rescued, changes her name. How symbolic. Move into the future as a new you.

We are doing a detox, here.  Two weeks (if I can maybe four) of eating only certain foods.  Staying away from the bad ones (sugar, dairy, pop, processed foods).  This is day two for me and the only thing I'm really missing right now is coffee in the morning. I'm drinking the strongest herbal tea I could find.  Sadly, nothing has the same taste.  But, I'm making the change. A good change.  Cleansing the inside. Starting new. My daughter is trying her hand at making protein shakes for breakfast. New experiences. New beginnings. One day at a time, one step at a time, walking away from the past and into a brighter future. Finally, hearing that voice of help in the fog and having enough courage and hope to blow my whistle.