A New Tool

I watched an old documentary called, "Grey Gardens, " last weekend.  I watched it, again, on Friday.   I've been thinking about it ever since.

 This documentary was made in 1975, I think.  It is about the lives of a mother and daughter; the aunt and first cousin of Jackie Kennedy.  I'm sure I'm somewhat desensitized from reality tv; being that fly on the wall, watching someone else's life develop on film.  At first, I didn't know what to make of Grey Gardens.  But the longer I watched, the more endearing 'The Edies' became. If I understand the history correctly, 'Big Edie' was the sister of Jackie Kennedy's father.  Both were high society at the time. Grey Gardens is the 28 room mansion in the East Hamptons that Edith and her husband and three children moved into.  "Little Edie" was the oldest of three.  She had two younger brothers.   Anyway, to explain all of it here isn't the point. The point is that this family-these two women-came from wealth, education and elegance.  Life circumstances and life choices took them from prosperity to poverty.  What made the documentary so interesting and not feeling like a creepy voyeur, was their spirit.  The mansion was filthy, they didn't have new 'things' yet, they seemed content for the most part. Yes, Little Edie continued to complain how she wanted to move, but she'd been there for 20 some years.  The love of the mother for her child and visa verse was endearing and tender, even when they were arguing with each other, which they did frequently.  Besides the obvious-watching someone maneuver through their situation-Grey Gardens, I think, was a story of making the best of what you have. (Even though the younger Edie appears to have some type of mental illness, though, according to several articles I've read, no one seems to be certain what it is).They grew up having servants, and now had to take care of themselves.  Even though the world around them changed, who they were inside, didn't.  They didn't relinquish that inward dignity because their outer surroundings had deteriorated. Their conversations with people still had elegance in their words. Little Edie's body movements were still graceful. She still walked with poise. They still cherished their dreams. They maintained their inward integrity even though their outer world had collapsed. I think it's also about what you learn to tolerate and mold into your circumstances so that you can survive.

When I think about it, the women in Grey Gardens achieved more success in their crumbling, deteriorating mansion, than I have.  Outwardly, I do have successes.  I'm talking about the inward maintaining.  Addiction has changed me, even though I'm not a person with an addiction.  I have the potential to be more fearful, nervous, worried, and negative. I find myself lying.  I lie to the people I work with and live near pretending all is well.  I lie to myself. I have lied to my daughter. Lying makes me feel tarnished.  Physically, I've changed. I've gained weight. Have become less diligent about maintaining good health.  I'm not a slug or anything, but I'm definitely not who I once was. I ache more, both physically and mentally. Everyday is a fight to regain who I am.  I feel imprisoned in a body that isn't mine, with my jailer being these negative thoughts, standing outside my door, taunting me with horrible memories and fears that things will never change.  Understand, if you met me, you wouldn't know any of this.  This is what I think of when I take down the walls that I keep up to function.  I try to remain positive.  It's hard.  I try to 'let go, let God.'  It's harder.  I am actively trying to redirect my personal life to return to a weight and health I'm proud of.  I'm trying to refurbish my thinking.  This all goes on, while I plod through my day.  And then, through all of this dreariness and decay, I reflect at night and can see little snippets of Grace that have been allowed to come into my life and pull me through.  So, what I'm dealing with now, however mentally debilitating it feels, crumbles sometime, to reveal a new and firmer foundation. This is how it often is, I start to think of all of the negatives, pick through all of that 'dead wood' thinking, and then my vision clears and I can see small improvements here and there. 

At one point, Little Edie declares to the camera, that the relatives didn't know how to handle her because she was such a staunch woman. I knew what staunch meant, but looked it up, anyway (okay, I admit, I like reading the dictionary. I like words).  Staunch means, "to check the flow of blood from a cut; seaworthy; or steadfast, loyal; strong and solid."  How appropriate.  It all applies. Blood is the life force. To be strong and steadfast, loyal (to yourself, as well) and seaworthy- ready for all of those waves and winds.  Alright, then, feeling somewhat revived and motivated, staunch will be the new tool in my box as I continue to refurbish my inner self. 

Praying for miracles for all of us. Praying that today, you'll experience yours.