Forgiveness

I understand all about forgiveness.  I understand that forgiveness is more for the person doing the forgiving than the one being forgiven. The person doing the forgiving has let go of their hate or anger and has begun to heal.  Not necessarily so for the person being forgiven. They may never 'get it.'  I understand the healing power of forgiveness.  I understand the difficulties of taking those first plodding steps of forgiveness; about how each step becomes easier and easier until you've run toward the person you're forgiving and through that memory sprinting to a more open and enlightened future. Not even considering looking back to the bad memories.   I understand that forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the action. I understand that you can choose to forgive and forget or forgive and remember; just tucking the memory away.  Though, I think it's healthier to not hang on to the bad memory.  I understand it's okay to forgive and just walk away.  You don't have to keep exposing yourself to the person you're trying to forgive.  Forgiveness doesn't mean acceptance. Forgiveness means letting go and if letting go means moving on in a literal sense, then that's okay to do. 

I can honestly say I don't hate anyone.  There are people I'd rather not be around, but I can truly say there is no one I think and stew about.  I have forgiven anyone who I feel has hurt me.  From Nina, my best friend in sixth grade who, literally over night became my hated enemy (later I found out she was mad that some boy she liked liked me and not her--ironically, I didn't know he liked me and I didn't like him anyway!  lol...sixth grade memories).  Anyway, all through high school she would go out of her way to say something mean to me when she saw me. There were nine hundred in our graduating class, so it's not like I saw her a lot, but still, at the time it hurt.  She was forgotten about the day I received my diploma.  Forgiven.  My dad and I got a long when I was little, but as I got older, he found fault it a lot.  I don't know what he was processing in his head. I can't say that I held a grudge, but it did hurt.  When my mother died, I watched him drifting around the room, tears glistening on his cheeks. My heart broke for him.  Forgiven.  Two years ago, I was talking with him and I asked him if he had any good memories of me growing up.  He asked me if I had any of him, and I said, "Yes."  He, on the other hand, couldn't think of any.  Two weekends ago, he told me what  a nice time it had been (when I was over there planting).  I guess he found a good memory.  My ex-husband.  Not a nice man.  A person with so much baggage, being the son and brother of an alcoholic, that he just continues to store the stuff rather than open the bags and sort things out. He takes his aggressions out on others-nothing is ever his fault, it's their fault he does what he does.  He took a long time to forgive.  But I did.  Forgiven.  (Not forgiving takes away too much energy).

I took lasagna and a salad for lunch to my dad, yesterday.  His favorite dessert, butter pecan ice-cream. We ate lunch, took a drive, came home and had ice-cream.  It was a good day.  The drive home takes about a half an hour.  I'm not sure if it was the music, or the blue-black clouds of an impending storm on the horizon, but I started to think about forgiveness.  I started thinking about my daughter.  I started thinking about everyone's daughter or son with an addiction.  And I thought, "How do I forgive God?"  That sounds so arrogant, doesn't it?  I don't mean it to.  But how do you forgive God?  He's all powerful.  He preforms miracles.  He parted seas and can cause a mountain to crumble if necessary.  So, why can't or won't He wipe clean the minds of all of these struggling people? Why won't He heal them?  Why won't He miraculously pull our children out of this hell?  I know all about not knowing the mind of God. I know we're not on His same time. I know about
Free Will.  The choosing and all of that.  My children have Free Will, but I didn't let them run into the street when they were little.  I didn't dye my daughter's hair red when she was five because she wanted to be The Little Mermaid. Sometimes Free Will needs guidance from a more experienced source. I've read in the Bible that Jesus said if you ask your earthly father for a loaf of bread he won't give you a stone...how much more will God in heaven give to those who ask?  (I'm paraphrasing). Am I asking in the wrong way?  Is there a time where Free Will becomes less monitored? Are we children of God in name only?

I know I sound like I'm whining. But I'm not going to feel guilty about it because that's the whole point of this blog, is to get out what I'm thinking to try and process it.  I know He knows best.  So, does that mean is this the best?  Oh my goodness, I pray that is not so.