How Do You Heal?

I liked who I was growing up.  I was shy, but other than that, I had good friends, a good attitude about who I was; I had a great childhood.  I moved through life easily.  I remember thinking that (and being grateful that) my life was easy.  We weren't rich. My dad could be strict, but I loved my childhood. Innocent, fun, and adventurous.

I started losing myself when I got married.  I thought I was marrying the last nice guy.  I made excuses for his anger, "He had a bad day."  I felt uncomfortable about how he talked to his mother, but she wasn't very sincere, so I thought maybe he had a good reason.  Little doubts and questions were quickly brushed over because I didn't have the experience to see it as anything else.  To make some very long 18 years, short, he ended up being very emotionally abusive (his dad and brother were alcoholics--a totally alien experience to me--his mother was an enabler--a what?).  And physically abusive on occasion (though he always had a reason to rationalize his behavior choices).  So, not knowing or understanding the ramifications of a family like that, I just concentrated on my children and overlooked a lot.  I shouldn't have done that. He was not a nice person. But, not knowing what to do I did what I knew.

All people have a breaking point, regardless of how patient and understanding.  My breaking point was slow, but consistent.  I started paying more attention to those mental red flags.  One straw after another (it would take a book to write about all of it) piled up until that final last one.  I filed for divorce.  That two year process was very stressful.  I was working full time, going to graduate school during the evenings and raising my two children. He was not nice during that time.  (No surprise, there).  Anyway, I signed the divorce papers on a Friday evening and the next day, graduated.  My children were there to watch me receive my diploma.  I was graduating from more than school.  It was a good day. 

It has been 11 years since I signed those papers and I'm still stepping out of that mindset that I can do whatever I want whenever I want.  Make a decision about the house, my life, my future.  It's such a process.  I don't think I can explain it clearly enough.  During the years in marriage, I tried to hold onto my situation mentally, because I was, "so bound by my commitment."  He travelled a lot during the marriage which is what kept us together.  When he came home, I thought things would be different, but no, things never changed.  After the divorce, close friends were able to help me see how much I put up with.   They did comment on things before the divorce, but I must have found comfort in the excuses, because it didn't motivate me to leave. 

During that time is when my daughter developed the eating disorder.  I didn't comprehend it, so my mind fell back to dealing with situations I understood.  That prevented me from getting my daughter the help she needed.  I still blame myself.  She was young, not too engulfed in the disorder, maybe my quicker action could have prevented all of this.  I struggle with that.  Now, embedded in my mind are the memories of what the drinking has done.  I still, if I allow myself to think about it, get physically ill.  I am grateful that no one was hurt. I'm grateful that the situations she put herself in because of the drinking, miraculously were turned around so that nothing too serious came of it (death or jail).  That always made me think that her future was still waiting for her.  Someone stronger than me was looking out for her.

I am stuck, though, in those fears.  I want her to move on and have a good life, but each time I think about that for her, those horrible memories seep up in my brain and I get mentally paralysed. The, "What ifs" arise and my mind runs with them.  I find my mind and thinking returning to the kind of thinking I had during the divorce. I do only what I absolutely need to do: get up, go to work, pretend all is well, only to come home and fall asleep.  We go to the gym, not as frequently as I should, I admit.  I try to get things done around the house, but I find that process well, a huge process.  The basics get done, but not the big stuff.  I want to move, but need to clean some things out, and that doesn't happen quickly because I'm so exhausted when I get home.  So, my question is, how do you heal?  I've talked to people, read until I'm cross-eyed, prayed, stayed quiet, and all I seem to be doing is trying to drown out the memories that are taunting me below the surface of my thinking.  How do you put those memories to rest so that you can move on to create new memories?