Causalities of Addiction

I was at work, yesterday, walking back from the library.  It was a prep for me, so my students were in other classes.  The halls were quiet, muffled talking vibrated from behind the closed doors I passed. I like that part of school, being a silent observer of the pockets of learning.  I like watching the kids get excited about something new or finally understanding that elusive idea. School is fun.  That's when I had my own epiphany, right there in the hallway.  It was like an invisible magician pulled a black scarf off of me and ta-da, I saw myself clearly for a few seconds; I had that clarity of thinking moment. The thought:  I have a good life.  Yes, I have worries. I could use more money. My weight isn't where I want it yet, but in general, I have a good life. A terrific son who is successful. A beautiful daughter. I have great friends. A good job.  Wonderful opportunities have come to me. I work with amazing people.  In addition to my day job, I'm an adjunct professor at a local university. I love working in the garden and writing. I enjoy taking black and white photographs. My dogs bring me joy. I've worked hard and it's paid off.   But I don't normally acknowledge that.  I have been so wrapped up in my daughter's life, I lost track of my own.  I have been living my life in the shadows, trying to find and reclaim my daughter's life with her. My life has been a causality of addiction.

As I walked down the hallway, I saw in my mind's eye, myself as a shadow, moving quickly and purposefully through my daily routine; no color, no taste, no fragrance, just movement.  I realized that I have been viewing my life in black and white, like the first scenes of The Wizard of Oz.  In the hallway, I landed and stepped out into a colorful Munchkin Land. 

The brain is amazing in how it works. As I walked, all of the causalities of my daughter's addiction popped out in my mind, like the Munchkins meeting Dorothy:  Being present in my son's life, my daughter's friendships, her self-worth, her hard work, her planned future, my thinking, all of those hopes and happiness.  Addiction has been looking in it's crystal ball and scenting us with poppies so that we have been living in an exhaustive, gray fog.

I need to find my way 'home,' and I want my family to follow me.  That's what I want.  Once we're home, we can all go to our separate futures, but I want us home and safe in our own beds, again.  I want to wake up and see the life we were living, before this tornado hit.  That's what I want.  I want it all to have been a bad dream. 

But I know it's not.  So, like everything, the hard work is waiting.  We are shifting to a new level of understanding.  I do have hope and am seeing my daughter working to change.  I'm stepping back, but we're moving forward. Today is a new day. It will be good. I will stay focused. I am determined to continue changing  my thinking, though, I wouldn't turn down some ruby slippers and a bucket of water if they were offered.