Words

I realized something about myself, last night, that I don't like.  I'm usually a pretty easy-going person. Calm, not quickly angered.  I thought I was a pretty positive person, or at least I used to be.  Last night, however, I was talking to a friend, and the conversation was generally neutral and good, however, I noticed that I would end a few of my comments or observations with a tiny critical, negative comment. For instance, we were talking about an email that one of our friends sent out.  In the email (and this was a school-wide email) she wrote, "I know I spelt my name wrong..."  My friend said, "That's not right is it?  Spelt?"  I said, "No, she should have written 'spelled'."  My friend, "That's what I thought.  Is spelt even a word?"  (Turns out it is, it has to do with an ancient grain...who knew?)  Anyway, I said, "Well, she should have known better before sending that out...she is a teacher after all."  My friend: "Well, I'm a poor speller, too, it's easy to make mistakes."  Me:  (As I'm noticing I'm being critical and knowing I shouldn't be, here comes another critical comment)  "Yeah, I am too, but she should have known better."  Like I never make mistakes.  I'm a hesitant speller, too.  I carry a dictionary around with me. So, why such a critical comment to a good friend?  We all make mistakes.

I thought about it all the way home.  I thought about it last night. I thought about it this morning.  I think I'm becoming critical because I'm still resentful of the situation, here.  I'm still angry inside that my daughter and our family have been put through this experience.  On the surface, I think I'm handling it fairly well, but on the inside, I think I'm still seething.  That's not good.  I don't like negative jabs.  I don't like the feeling of  those critical comments  as they're leaving my mouth.  I don't like knowing I'm saying something I shouldn't but doing it anyway.  I think I'm wanting someone to notice my hurt and comfort me, so I randomly jab out, like throwing a net.  That net is like asking, "Can your subconscious hear my subconscious crying?  Is my small word-pinch enough to have you focus on the source--my hurt?  Did I get your attention?"  I think that's what I'm doing.  I know about this because the kids I work with do the same thing.  The difference is, I'm an adult. 

So, today, I change.  I know when I'm doing it, I'm just not forcing myself to either keep my mouth shut, or choose different words.  I'm not being lazy in my speech, today. I'm not letting residue anger and resentment guide my thoughts.  Today, my words will be more deliberate and focused on the positive.