Becoming a Rose

I am never going to be the same as I was before my daughter's plunge down the rabbit hole of addiction. I'm never going to be totally at peace, totally worry free, experiences are not ever going to have the same total joy they used to have. Regardless of how wonderful an event is, I'm never going to be fully there because in the back of my mind, fear, worry, 'what if', and resentment hide, hunkered down behind some memory ready to pop up and yell, "What if she drinks, again? Remember...?"  I really hate that nothing will ever be the same as it was or could have been, had this addiction not seduced my daughter.  Life will be harder and I resent that.

That is what is on my mind every day. Not always in the front of my thinking, but floating around, a black butterfly amidst the beautifully colored ones.  My friend and I were talking about this on our way home, last Saturday, from Christmas shopping.  She picked me up, we went to breakfast at this cozy diner. I had a crepe banana walnut pancake with whipped cream--a perfect breakfast!  Then we shopped in this area of town that has various vendors tucked in along the street, outside of cute little shops and old, ethnic grocery stores. I love that place.  So many aromas, and sounds. It is so fun.  Anyway, on the way home, we started talking.  She is from a family who has had their share of tragedy involving addictions. She is a dear and trusted friend, and because of her experiences, so patient and wise.  Anyway, it was while we were talking that it hit me.  Before my daughter's addiction, I was like a bud on a flower.  My thinking was like that. Kind of tight.  But, because of the addiction, my thinking and attitude have blossomed into a rose.  All of the different petals representing the new understandings I have, about me, someone with addiction and applying that to other parts of my life. Though it still makes me angry, I am more understanding. Though I am living in the shadow of fear, my hope is gaining light, though I resent what has been delayed in life, I am able to see alternatives more clearly. The petals are still opening, but there are two that I think are the most important;  really understanding what it means to not be judgmental and loving more patiently.  I reflect on that, a lot.  So, through this process, as crushing and choking as it has been, there has also been healthy growth and maturing. Out of bad, comes good. In the darkness shines some light. Though there are thorns on the stem, a beautiful rose rises above.